


The Lie and How We Told It

by IHaveIt



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 13:04:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 40,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9072889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHaveIt/pseuds/IHaveIt
Summary: Their paths are getting further apart, will they ever find a way to each other? One thing is for sure: if they are to get together again, there is major sorting out to do. Rory Gilmore has decided to find the right track. Future literati fic. Rated M. It follows the events after AYITL, so spoilers.





	1. Deadlines

It was easy, in the beginning. Well, not necessarily easy, but words flowed and feelings were effortlessly explored because they told a simple love story, one that was never negated – she loved her mom, she loved the life she had provided for her in her childhood, and she respected what she had done to provide it. Yes, the book was easy to write during those three first chapters. Heck, even the next one was relatively straightforward at first – after all, she had asked him if he was OK being in the book (and how could he not be, after what she told him he had represented?). But as she wrote on she realized that, even though she had considered Dean to be an easy chapter, one that was neatly packed in a box in her mother's attic, not even his story, in the end, was going to be comfortable to tell. It overlapped too much with everything else. It overlapped too much with  _everyone_  else. His chapter ended where all the doubts started, doubts that had had her tied up in knots for many years, and now the knots had become this ball of yarn that was slowly growing inside her and how the hell was she going to unravel it? The work had been put off for too long and the consequences were unavoidable.

Inside her book folder a pro/con file loomed, abandoned. No, she wouldn't be able to sort it all nicely in a excel file while sipping a cup of coffee. She couldn't even have coffee anymore. Neither neat Scotch. Damn.

Oh, it was typical. It was typical Rory Gilmore. She was finally committed to the book, to a project that was pure and authentic and made her happy (that gave her for maybe the first time ever a sense of completeness, a deep pride, a true purpose) and here she was again, all fucked up. All knocked up. And words were not flowing anymore. So  _that_  was writer's block.

Alone in the apartment above Luke's, Rory started crying. The more she thought of her financial situation and of the choices she would soon need to face, the more she cried. Angry with herself for whining, she kicked the wall, and it hurt like hell. Well, she had it coming. She had it all coming. But crying was not going to sort things out for her, and she refused to be the victim – damn, if she was anything at all, she was the perpetrator.

It was time already. It was time to get her shit together and start owning her mistakes. It was the only chance she had of figuring out what to do with the baby and with the book, with her life. She owed it to herself.

* * *

"Rory Gilmore? This way, please."

She followed the nurse to a clean, if aseptic, office room. A middle aged woman wearing thick paste glasses sat across the desk. Rory had decided not to consult Paris on this, she would have been much too vocal about her opinion – whatever it might have been – and if she was to do this right, she would have to acknowledge that she was most of the times a bit too slow making decisions and a bit too fast agreeing to opinions that were not entirely her own.

"Miss Gilmore, go ahead. Why are you here today?"

Rory fumbled with her shirt at the prompt. "Well, I'm one month pregnant, and I wanted to get all the info in case I decided to terminate the pregnancy."

"OK, what info do you need?"

Rory sighed. "Deadlines, mainly."

* * *

"Hun, come stay the night. We'll have a Buffy marathon, it'll give you a nice heroine fix. See? I managed to introduce drugs in your life, and in your state! Ain't I the best?"

Rory smiled. They hadn't really talked much about It-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named since her mom's wedding and after Rory had acknowledged that it was Logan's. Her mom had been quietly supportive and not pushy, very un-Lorelai-like, and had simply reassured her, telling her that she would stand by her whatever she decided to do with the baby. "Thanks, mom, but I need to be alone a bit longer. I still need to figure things out."

"So… you haven't decided yet?"

Her mom's words, while uttered in a calm tone, hid a hint of dread that lingered in the air, but Rory resisted thinking about her mom's fears – or her own. "No. There are many things I haven't decided… yet. But I will. I have to. I have a deadline now. That's the only thing I've decided."

"Mmm… OK. Promise me something, then. Promise me that you'll call anytime you need to bounce ideas off. I'll be your wall, throw those balls at me, no matter what you wonder. Oh my God! That's what it really means, so that's a  _wonderwall_! Will you eventually let me be the pop version of your Western Wall?"

"Always."

Rory hung up the phone and went back to her laptop. She had seven weeks before having to make a decision. Whatever the outcome, she was going to need sustenance. Financial and spiritual. The next day, she would take care of the money issue. But the night belonged to her dreams, to her book. She had decided to jump forward in time and get started with the Logan era. There was major unraveling to be done.


	2. Moving Forward

"I've been thinking about coming over and staying in the apartment for a while, if that's OK. I've been stuck with my novel for too long and I thought a change of air would do me good. Do you mind?"

"Well…"

Jess knew there was something going on, he noticed at the wedding. Rory and Lorelai had seemed distracted and slow at quipping back. And then Luke had got all jumpy when he visited Doula last week and had pushed for their good-bye dinner taking place out of town instead of the diner. "Luke, what's going on? You can tell me, I'm a big boy now. I promise I won't be starting a fight with whoever Rory is dating now. I don't mind."

"No, it's not that. It's just that she is living in the apartment now."

"Oh. I thought she was moving to Queens" Jess stopped there. He wanted to make it at least a bit hard on Luke. He wasn't going to hand him the easy way out.

"Yeah, well… It's the book. Yeah, she's taking the book really seriously. Yeah, that's it. And she's back to helping Andrew in the bookstore and giving a hand at the diner once in a while so she can save some money and have time to focus on the book entirely. So, yeah. The book."

"OK… Are you sure you have no corpses in the apartment? You sound very secretive, uncle Luke" Jess used his tried-and-tested banter tone in an attempt to dismiss the whole thing as unimportant, but he admitted to himself that it was all sounding a bit off.

"Give me a second, I'm going upstairs. Too much audience here."

Yep. Really, really off.

"Listen, I'll tell you this just once, and let me finish before saying anything, because I won't repeat it. Whatever it is you've been trying to sell me about not having feelings for Rory, I'm not buying. I created that whole line of business, let me remind you."

"But…"

"No buts, I'm not finished" Jess heard his uncle exhale deeply on the other side. "Jeez, I know this is going to haunt me forever, but I have to say it. OK. Jess: I truly believe you are the best man Rory could hope to have in her life. I'm proud of the person you have become. I might not always have thought like that, but I stand corrected. I know you will make a special woman very happy one day. But as much as it pains me, that woman won't be Rory. I have to ask you to stop harboring hope on that regard now, because it's not going to happen. And even if it did, I don't think she'd deserve you, but it's not going to happen anyway, so, please, can you promise me to try and move forward, starting now? I really want to see someone love you as I know you would love them back."

Words got stuck in Jess' throat, and at the first attempt of a reply his voice came out a bit too high. "Don't worry, Luke. I know that ship sailed long ago."

"Good, because it's not coming back. I know you will pass on my offering, but if you ever need to talk, I'm here always, and always on your side."

"You don't need to worry, but thanks for your words. They mean… a lot. Dinner in New York next time?"

"Sure, Jess. That will be great."

He heard his uncle's phone disconnect on the other side and it sounded like dreams shuttering. He had done it. He had done it again, exactly like the last time. He felt like the saddest superhero of all time, his superpowers being kicking back people on the right track only to be ignored in return. How had he allowed that to happen again? Somehow he knew that there must have been a very decisive decision on Rory's love life for his uncle to be so categorical about it, something Luke didn't approve of – something blonde and dick-ey, to be sure.

He poured himself a glass of Scotch and rummaged in his drawer, looking for an old pack of cigarettes. He lit one, opened the window to the street and sat down in the window sill while the sounds of the city washed over him. No, he was not destroyed. He couldn't be, because he hadn't lost anything. He had never had it. He had had a dream, though, a fantasy – a really tenacious one that refused to be surpassed by real life facts time and again. But the problem was not that he had given up life in exchange of a fleeting dream. It was not that – he was no hopeless romantic, and certainly not dumb. It was just that nothing better had come up. Perhaps it was wired in his writer genes, if there was such a thing, but he was good at swallowing hard truths, and the truth was that he had known an elevated kind of love once, and it just hadn't happened to him again. He had never felt the need to brush those feelings aside by replacing them with new live images or with a shinier fancy. And anyway, he didn't think he could use someone up like that, like a mere replacement. Why had she stuck with him for so long? He had considered this many times. She wasn't the smartest, or the prettiest, or the most talented. Was it because it was unfinished business? He considered, without a hint of self-pity or fear, if he was truly lame. But, much as he tried, and even if the facts were there (she had objectively no traits that would justify such adoration; she was, after all, just as imperfect as himself), he still believed his heart had always been in the right place. It was not right for them to be apart, it was as simple as that. He knew, he had always known, that a world without Rory and him together was a slightly worse world. But that was just his humble opinion – she didn't know. She didn't believe that. And she had a right not to and that didn't make her any lesser human being. It was just the way it was.

Jess refilled his glass and raised it. "May you live a long, happy life filled with love, Rory Gilmore. I wish it from the bottom of my heart."

And just like that, he let her go. This time for good.


	3. Down and Out the Rabbit Hole

One thing she knew: she didn't want to start a family with Logan. This she knew because she hadn't fought for it when there was no baby factor, so any fantasies of a happy family she might entertain from time to time had to come from another place – fear. Yes, it was probably that. She hadn't asked Logan to give up Odette to be with her when she had had the chance. Damn, she even had turned down his marriage proposal back in the day. Still, there was something there, otherwise her final decision would come easier. Did she love him? Yes, she did. But was it a sort of half-way-there type of love that was not so happily advertised in St. Valentine's day, one that made you stick long enough to keep on having sex with a person, to cheat on people, but not strong enough to make you want to marry? Sure, that had to exist, life was not a Disney film. Still, she was 32. She was considering having the baby. She loved Logan. Weren't those things enough to start a family with someone? It turned out they weren't.

Once the decision was made, she felt better. The decision, though, came with its own set of doubts. That was alright, she was in that journey now. She let herself go down the rabbit hole.

Well, for one, if that type of love was not enough, which was? Was there such a type of love? Had she known such type of love? She brushed through her past but quickly decided against following that train of thought. After all, she had more important things to decide.

The main point was: if she was to have the baby, would she tell Logan? At first, when she found out, she thought she wouldn't. Especially after talking to her dad. Still, her dad had had the chance to decide whether or not to be in her life, so the problem wasn't the same. She considered telling Logan. How would she want him to be involved? She dreaded Logan convincing her to start a family together. She somehow feared her own strength in the matter. It distressed her that a grand gesture from his side would make the balance tip ever so slightly and make her change her mind. She was starting to fear that she was  _tippable_  like that, and she suddenly despised herself for it. She imagined a Life and Death Brigade kind of gesture, with storks carrying baby shower gifts to a newly bought family mansion, hers and Logan's. Rory shuddered. Had that been their relationship, a series of flashy events that had hypnotized her like colorful cartoons catch kids' attention on TV? Had they had the epileptic Pokémon version of relationships? Had she been  _pokemoned_  by ostentation? She suddenly felt queasy and had barely the time to make it to the toilet and start puking. Boy, was being pregnant fun. She not only threw up regularly but was constantly constipated, as if her body had gone completely dumb and switched the usual direction of her passageways for fun.

OK, it could very well have been the pregnancy symptoms kicking in, but she was almost sure that her bodily reaction to a big Logan gesture meant that she didn't want to start a family with him. Which she had already stablished. But had again reconfirmed. Oh well, it was not so bad to double-check. It was important, after all. Wow, unraveling was tiresome. So, back to square one – if she were to tell Logan, and make very clear that she did not want to start a family with him, how would she want him to be involved? And the million dollar question: did she want his money? Somehow, her current situation seemed relevant to the thought process.

She was working at Andrew's bookstore.

She was occasionally helping Luke at the diner in exchange of rooming in the apartment (he had offered money, but she had refused).

She was running Stars Hollow's Gazette for free.

She was back in Stars Hollow.

She had no journalism gigs at the moment.

So, she was broke and lame. And yet she was… fine with it?

Yeah. She sort of was fine with it. Why?

That was weird. She had a very low paid job, an unpaid job and yet another unpaid venture, two of them in fields not even remotely related to her career. She was back in her hometown and avoiding the Thirty-Something Gang as if she was somehow better, which she wasn't. She realized she was self-entitled and mean to be thinking of them like she did. And yet the shame about her situation was not kicking in. Why? She couldn't resist it and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's Rory. Listen, I have a very dumb question and I don't think there's anyone else who can answer it. Or that I will trust with the answer."

"Huh? OK. Shoot, Gilmore."

She suddenly felt self-conscious. Why was she ringing Jess? "Well, you see, I'm back to living in Stars Hollow, and working with Andrew temporarily. I'm broke. The Gazette only brings me joy when I get to kick Esther's ass. And somehow, I cannot find the trigger in me to be ashamed for the situation, and I think I know why, and wanted to check if the same had happened to you in the past. I think it's because of the book. Like I have a purpose now, and it's OK that conditions aren't perfect as long as they allow the book to happen, as long as I do everything right this time. Did that happen to you? At the beginning?"

The answer was slow in coming and Rory feared she had stepped out of line calling him. Why, though? They were friendly, and it had been Jess who had…

"Yeah, I felt that. The book sort of put everything in perspective at the time. As you said… conditions were not perfect. But it was suddenly OK, if I at least managed to get that right."

"How did you do it? I mean, you were so young… How did you find that moral compass so quickly? How were you so totally cool, not truly caring about social or family expectations? How did you manage to build up those standards for yourself, alone… and without "perfect conditions", to put it lightly? I… I really admire you."

He laughed on the other side, and she felt herself blush. Where had that speech come from?

"Ror, I think you give me more credit than I deserve. If you think yourself silly for not figuring those things out earlier, don't be so hard on you. You had perfect conditions, and I think it's a bit more difficult to figure that kind of thing out without a major kick in the ass. As long as you do in the end, I guess it doesn't matter how long it takes you."

Perhaps it did. She was suddenly worried. "I hope you're right. I hope it's not too late."

"You'll be fine. And I'm glad you didn't need a major kick in the ass."

She suddenly felt queasy again.

"I need to go, Ror. Hope that was helpful."

"It really was. Take care, Dodger."

She swore she heard him hesitate for the briefest of moments, but he hung up without a further goodbye. Was it the "Dodger" that had thrown him off? She felt suddenly bad, but couldn't pinpoint why. The urge to puke came back, and that particular line of thought was abandoned temporarily.


	4. A New Beginning

"Well if it isn't our own Jess Mariano, all pimped up and chirpy!"

Jess threw Chris a stare, but without much conviction. He was, after all, quite chirpy. "Hey! If I'm going to put up with you for a month here, you might as well keep your thoughts to yourself."

"And tell me – what fun would  _that_  be?"

Jess smiled. He was quite happy to have Chris in their New York office for a while. It felt like home. "OK, let's strike a deal here. Tease me as much as you want, but not in front of her. I want to at least keep a bit of my hard earned respectability. You wouldn't want to undo all my hard work, would you?"

Chris nodded, conceding. "Done deal. But I swear I will tease you like hell when she's not around."

The doorbell buzzed and Jess threw Chris a much more convincing stare. "Well, that's the midnight bell, Mockarella. Go back to your pumpkin."

Chris jumped like a kid approaching Christmas presents, but stood still as soon as Jess opened the door and kissed his girlfriend.

"Martina, this is Chris, one of my partners."

Jess waited to see Chris' reaction when he extended his hand but was greeted by a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek instead. He loved the way Martina introduced herself to people in her Argentinian way. He imagined what would Luke's face look like if she did.

"It's so nice to meet you, Chris! Jess has told me everything about you."

Chris, dumbfounded by the kiss, was slow in replying. "Well, yeah! You too. I hope what you hear is good."

Martina threw Jess a mock shy look. "I cannot tell him everything, right?"

"Hey! What did you tell her, Mariano?"

Jess laughed and Martina grabbed both by the arm. "Just that you are like a brother to him. Come on! Let's go grab a beer."

* * *

"Let me tell you, Mariano: you have good taste."

Jess smiled and looked at the end of the bar, where Martina was greeting some colleagues from her dance company. "Yeah, she's great. I really like her."

"I can see you do. Man, you're so smitten that I feel generous and won't mock you for a couple days."

"Make it a week, Chris, and I will even introduce you to her friends."

"Careful, Mariano, or I will move in."

* * *

Jess looked at Chris, who was chatting with one of Martina's friends, and decided that he was distracted enough. He guided Martina to a dark, hidden booth. She sat beside him and put her hand around his neck, drawing him for a kiss, but he was feeling bold and threw a hand between her legs before catching her moan with his lips.

"Jess, stop. It feels too good."

Jess moved his hand just a bare inch away, enough to grab her thigh hard, his clasped fingers barely brushing her groin. "I can't see why that would be a problem."

"Someone can see us. Your friend's there."

But there was no conviction in her words, so he slowly traced his hand back to her core, stroking it softly. He felt her hand move hesitantly up his leg and just hover lightly around his crotch, a bare caress to gauge his erection.

"I want you now, Jess."

Jess kissed her hard and then got up, not giving a damn about the visible bulge in his pants. He beckoned Martina up, delicately holding her hand and guiding her to the toilet. He locked the door and pushed Martina against the wall. His hands traced her body while he got on his knees and pushed down her tights enough so as to suck her center with abandon, holding to her hips with a strong grip. He felt her grab his hair and heard her moan; in response he put a finger inside her, and she was so wet and it felt so right to be wanted so badly and want as much in return that he threw foreplay out the window. He got up, took a condom out of his wallet and rolled it up quickly. He looked Martina in the eye and recognized what he saw there— fire, lust, trepidation. She gave him a wicked smile and he grinned back. He turned her against the wall and entered her with a slow thrust from behind, but it quickly escalated from there and soon enough they were both panting and moaning to a hectic rhythm. Right before coming Jess thought that life was probably supposed to be like that – easy, straightforward– and that it would be nice for a change to not have to hold back. And he didn't. He thrusted hard and Martina came with him, and he knew he didn't have to worry anymore, as he had found someone who wouldn't want him to hold back either.

* * *

"Chris, are you staying?"

His friend smiled. "Yeah, well. I think that Lucy chick likes me."

"Well, we're heading off. You have your keys, right?"

"Yep. But with a bit of luck I won't need them."

"And even if you do, that's fine. I'll stay with Martina tonight."

And with a wink Jess left Chris at the bar and joined Martina out in the crisp New York night. They strolled for a while, relaxed.

"So, are you working tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I definitely need to stop by the office in the morning because I have a meeting with an author. But I'm free until the morning, and I was really hoping to spend those hours with you. And some of those within you."

He saw Marina blush and held her tight.

"Alright. It's just there's this performance I would like to check out tomorrow evening and was wondering if you would like to come with me. I know how you like to mock that sort of thing."

"Tomorrow I can't, I'm having dinner with my uncle." Jess saw a shadow of disappointment in her face and doubted for a moment. "You know what? Why don't you join us after the performance? My uncle loves to hate performances, I guess it runs in the family. You can tell us all about it and we will mock it together. I'd like you to meet him. He's a great guy."

Jess saw the disappointment vanish from her face and was surprised to recognize that he actually did – he really wanted her to meet Luke.

"Alright, then. Now, humor me until we get home – how exactly do you plan to get within me tonight?"

He told her, and took pleasure in the fact that, for the first time in ages, he would be able to act his fantasies out.


	5. Wonderwall

Rory took advantage of the fact that Luke was out and got ready for the night. She stocked up on marshmallows, Pringles, Pop Tarts, red vines and Cherry Garcia. She got to her mom's house before she arrived from work and made a new batch of that soulless concoction that was decaf coffee. Lorelai arrived to find her daughter, mug in hand, sitting in the kitchen table.

"It's time, mom. Give me your best wonderwall impression."

Lorelai nodded and poured herself a coffee that she spat right after the first sip. "Ugh! I feel dirty!"

"Yep. It's godawful. It reminds me of my shitty situation every time I have one. It's like my penance. The cross I'll carry."

Lorelai sat in front of her daughter. "And… will you carry that cross… long? Like… nine months long?"

Rory exhaled. "Yes. You're going to be a granny."

Lorelai started crying.

"Mom? Are you OK? Is that your best wonderwall impression? Because it looks pretty straw-house-piggie to me – it collapsed before the first blow!"

Lorelai laughed between the sobs and hugged her daughter. "Oh, I'm just happy, kiddo. Are you happy?"

"Well, happy is a strong word. I'm sure, though. And well, I'm happy that you are not mad at me." Rory smiled, relieved.

"Mad?"

"Yeah, I mean… i've made some really shitty decisions lately… in the past years, actually, and I really feared your opinion."

"Well, to be honest, at first I was shocked. But very soon after that lovely lady that's the voice in my head started telling me not to become my mom when I was sixteen and I just followed her advice. She's a very wise lady. And beautiful."

"Say thanks to her, then."

"OK, let me get my act together. So I imagine you have decided more things and want to bounce ideas off, right?"

"Jeez, mom, you're losing it in your old age. You were the one that came up with the whole wonderwall thing."

"Oh, I've become such a softie since I'm a granny-to-be! I'm going to be a granny! I'm going to be a total GILF, I'll show you!"

"Mom!"

"Yeah, wait until I show Luke my GILF tactics."

"OK, can we move on here? I'm not getting any thinner."

"Alright, alright. Moving over. So, Logan."

"Yep."

"Logan's the father."

"I thought we had established that already".

"I'm just recapping here, I've been busy with my wonderwall business and I didn't want to mix up your facts with other customers'."

"Well, you have the facts now. So. What do you think?"

"Is it not supposed to work the other way around? You tell me what you have decided and I give you my opinion?"

"In theory, yes. See, I've made my decision already, and I think I'm pretty sure about it, but I want an unbiased opinion, so if I tell you first, you will, I know, be tainted with whatever I say, and then I won't get an honest opinion. Not that it's going to change my mind, but I still want it. Since I'm doing this right and all."

"Wow, maternity has really given you insight, loinfruit. Hey, you have a loinfruit of your own now. My loinfruit has a loinfruit! Where does that end?" Rory gave her mom an annoyed stare. "Alright, alright. So, I guess the question is… do you… love him?"

"Yes." Rory could swear she saw her mom wince.

"OK, so you are going to… try to do this with him?"

Rory exhaled. "No."

She almost saw the weight being lifted from her mom's shoulders. "Oh, OK. But kid, if you love him, you deserve a shot at happiness. Is it because you don't want to make it difficult for him? Or because you think I would…disapprove?"

"No! Not at all. I mean, this is his fault as much as mine. I do, I love him, it's just… he's not it, you know?"

"Well, some people consider me an expert in the matter. So, how is he not it for you?"

"God, this is hard. I mean, it's been hard to accept this, to accept the implications of what I'm going to say. I hope you won't think less of me when I tell you. I think… I think that's why we've never talked much about it before. In my heart of hearts I knew that you would speak up your mind and say the things I didn't want to hear or think but I knew true. I feel… ashamed. About everything."

"Oh, honey. I'm here for you. I know we've had disagreements in the past about certain things but… I'm done. You're a grown-up. I'll support you with whatever you decide. And believe me – no one in the entire world understands better than me that you need very low levels of drama in your situation. So, speak up. Get it out. Exorcize those demons."

"Alright. I guess… I loved the idea of him. I guessed I liked myself around him, it made me see a Rory that I thought I wanted to be. More successful. More… adventurous. More fun. It didn't necessarily make me feel those things, though. But I guess I went along with it for so long that I started confusing the appearance with the reality, and I really wanted to be that person. For so long, mom, that I feel embarrassed. You never even taught me that, and I don't know where I got it from."

"Shiny things, doll. It's the allure of shiny things, my pretty little magpie. Oh, I want pie."

Lorelai opened a cupboard and got out some of Luke's peach pie.

"You're married to him now, mom. You don't need to keep stealing his pie."

"Yeah? And how would that be fun?"

Lorelai cut a piece of pie for her daughter and one for herself. Rory opened her mouth so as to keep on exorcising, but her mom cut her out. "Wait. In the spirit of full disclosure, I think you do get it from me." Lorelai stood up and started pacing the room nervously. "Oh my god. Oh my god, you so do get it from me. I hadn't thought about it! I honestly had never thought about it, not like this, and now I cannot unsee the truth! Oh, my eyes! My mind eyes!"

"Mom, I'm not following you, what are you talking about? This is just my mess."

"No, wait. Ugh. OK, here it comes: I also have been blinded by shiny things in the past."

"OK. Still not following you, magpie."

"Can't you see the pattern? Chris, Max, Jason, Chris again… None of them were it. And I knew! I always knew they weren't it, but I tagged along, I tagged along while IT, big and scary and so-totally-it, was there, waiting for me, being it and wonderful and real while I was a putz! I ignored the single, most precious love story I was ever going to get, and yet, somehow, I got my happy ending in the end, and with the example I set I've made you lazy, as if it were fine to avoid those big truths for as long as you wanted because somehow, magically, everything would turn out right in the end. But that's not how things work! And it's not fair! Thank god you haven't had IT pining for you all this time while being completely oblivious and dismissive of their feelings. Not the clown, let's leave that clear." Lorelai collapsed on the chair, as if spent after accepting that hard truth. Rory sat still, stunned. "Because you don't know your it, right?"

"What?" Where was that train of thoughts taking her?

"I mean, Pete's not it, is he?"

Her mom's question snapped her out of the rabbit hole. "It's Paul. And no, he's not it."

"Thank god. I always thought your it would be able to quip at your level of proficiency. Listen, do you mind if we take two minutes? I need to do something."

Rory stared at her cup, overwhelmed, and Lorelai took her phone and went outside. Rory was still able to make out the conversation from where she stood, frozen.

"Yeah, hi… All's good, yeah, I didn't want to interrupt you. I just wanted to say that I love you. I love you so much and I was such an idiot for such a long time for not realizing… I just wanted you to know that I know how stupid I was and that I'm going to make up for it every day of the rest of our lives. Yes! I'm totally fine. No, I didn't have coffee – in fact, I didn't have coffee at all! Yeah, I had decaf, actually… Oh, you're totally my soulmate. I knew one day you would understand that a Lorelai without coffee was a deranged Lorelai. I'll let you go. And I'll make it up for you later. Many times. Say hi to Jess."

Of course, Luke was with Jess. Rory hoped that the baby news hadn't been broken. She had accepted that her mom would probably have told Luke already, but couldn't find a reason to be angry about it. If that meant that her mom had had a wonderwall of her own, that was fine. She was really relieved for the way she was taking things.

"So, I guess that leaves us with the practicalities."

"What?"

"Are you OK, hon? I mean, it's good that you've figured out that you don't want to be with Logan, right?"

"Yeah, it totally is."

"And shouldn't it give you peace of mind that, if you've been reckless in the past, it was partly due to the bad example set by me?"

"Well..."

"And that all is good because it, the man, not the clown, wasn't waiting for you, so no hard feelings?".

Rory felt a lump in her throat and a real, physical knot in her stomach.

"So… practicalities. Are you going to tell him? About the pregnancy?"

How could she? How could she tell him about the pregnancy? It would ruin everything forever between them, if it wasn't ruined already. If she hadn't ruined it. Which she had. Completely. She had run over his feelings with a bulldozer time and again.

"Hon? Will you tell him?"

"Who?" How did she know? Did she know who she was thinking about?

"Logan! Who else would it be?"

"Right. Logan. Yeah, I'll tell him."

"Do you know when?"

"Yeah, soon. But I want to consult a lawyer first. Will you come with me?"

"Hear hear, that sounds more focused. I really thought I lost you there for a moment."

"Huh. Yeah, I think the pregnancy is making me dumb or something."


	6. A Trojan Horse

They went through all the practicalities over a ton of reheated leftover food. Rory would tell Logan as soon as possible. She didn't want him to somehow discover the truth on his own, and that would help Rory stay in control of the situation. She didn't want to raise the next Huntzberger heir; in fact, she didn't want a penny from the Huntzberger money. If Logan wanted to put money aside for the baby that was very well with her, but she wanted to raise the kid in her own terms, and the only way for her to do that was staying economically independent. If the relationship of her mother with her grandparents had taught her something, it was that.

But she still had to consider her career situation. She had her grandad's inheritance, which could do for a while, but she didn't want to spend that money, and she had already been reckless enough with it in the past, traveling back and forth London with the pretense of a book that never happened, as if she could allow herself to behave like a Huntzberger. That was the hardest pill to swallow. She had been pampered. She had never needed to get a huge student loan and repay it with hard, stable work, unlike many of her colleagues, and she could see that debauchery had made her soft.

There was only a viable way out. Freelance journalism was poorly paid, unreliable, and not really that satisfying for her. There was no way she could move on that career path with a baby in tow. And working in the bookstore was no better. Sure enough, it would allow her to have a very quiet, if simple, family life in Stars Hollow. But the money was scant and she was starting to feel trapped in her hometown already. She couldn't commit to a way of life that would end up being so unsatisfying for her in the end.

That left her with the only possible option – Chilton. Yes, she would need to get her masters to get the job, but once she did she would be in a stable, well-paid position, with reasonable work hours that would eventually suit a family life, and she even thought that teaching, although she had dismissed it at first, could be a very rewarding career path. She had seven months before giving birth, and admissions to the Comparative Literature course in Columbia were still open. If she pushed herself hard before giving birth, she could get ahead of the course to make up for the time she would be unavailable. And after the baby was born… well, she would try her best to finish as soon as possible, and if she had to work somewhere else in the meantime to make ends meet, she would have to deal with it. The masters were a sensible place to put part of her grandad's inheritance, and she would be building a stable future. And she loved literature, her longest relationship over the years.

And there was the book, her solace. Somehow, the prospect of the book made all other decisions a bit easier. She had been a complete idiot. Again. How is it that she had never thought about it, and within three minutes of seeing each other, without much info on the state of her life, Jess had so clearly pointed the path (the true path, the one of the heart) to her? How did he do it? It was like some sort of superpower he had, like he was his own ayahuasca dealer, awakening her in key moments. It was even a bit annoying. Not because of him, he was never annoying, but for her. It made her feel completely clueless. And she knew he'd be happy for her, just for making her happy, and now that she was thinking about it, she didn't think she had even thanked him for it properly.

She put a blanket over her mom, who had fallen asleep on the couch, and went to her room. So, Jess. Did he still like her? He seemed pretty cool with her at the wedding, but she had been self-absorbed and lost the precious hours they had together to catch up. Was she always like that? She really regretted having missed the chance. She knew he cared for her. Deeply. Selflessly. He did back then, when he kicked her ass about dropping Yale and not talking to her mom, and then she went to visit him in Philadelphia and messed up what they had. She hated thinking about that. It was, after all those years, a bottom low in her existence. She always avoided thinking about it, as if, by doing so, she could erase the stain that she knew would delete forever the possibility of them. Wait, was that it? Had she always counted on that possibility? It was really hard for her to think about Jess with everything else on top; she really feared the implications of that particular train of thought. But boy, had he buffed up nicely. Thinking about his body seemed much less complicated. Plus, she really wanted to. She wondered how he had got so muscular. He was a writer – was he carrying very heavy books at the publishing house? He probably was a real ladies man, how could he not be? She was sure he always had been. She felt a very uncomfortable pang of jealousy. Why was she jealous? She didn't have a right to be. But the arms. Oh, those arms. She smiled thinking about Editor McBuffin, a very hot bookworm that could talk about the great Russian writers and then pound you hard against the great Russian writers shelf in the library. Wait, where did that come from? Was the pregnancy making her super horny and cheesy? She was only two months in, but she really was. It was funny. Jess was the first real life guy she had ever masturbated to, and her first virtual orgasm. Back then, she had never invested so long in a fantasy so as to actually come, she would just rub herself aimlessly and given up after a while, content with having a small physical outlet for her fantasies She had never done it thinking about Dean. Jess was different. When they started dating, she avoided masturbating for a while. She was afraid that, by doing so, she would cross a line and that he would know, somehow, propelling things forward. It was one day, after they had been making out a bit too hard in Luke's apartment and she had felt  _him_  against her hip, that she tried when she got home. And she came. She had never done so, perhaps because she was too lazy to keep going about it, but she wasn't when thinking about Jess, she just couldn't get enough. That was also the first time that she fingered herself, but she didn't imagine that he was penetrating her. Well, she tried, but then her fingers didn't seem right, she believed he would be more… present, more overwhelming. So she settled for her fingers to represent his instead, and her hands to represent his all over her.

She quit cold turkey after he left. She didn't want to, she even tried one night soon after but started crying after her orgasm, and that was a tough lesson for her, still a virgin, to learn: that at the moment of release, one could start crying so desperately, and be so open and raw, letting everything that was bottled out. So she never did again. She thought about it when he told her he loved her but quickly dismissed the idea (after all, she was over him, right?) and again before visiting him in Philadelphia. She got close that time. After what had happened with Logan, she had taken to daydreaming about Jess, about the possibility of them, his visit so near in her memory. But she had stopped herself. It was not that she felt that she was cheating on Logan or anything, it was like a barrier she had. She closed that door when he left because the abyss lay at the other side, and she would never open it again. But the arms…

Tentatively, she moved a hand down and started rubbing herself lazily. Did he still smell the same? He always smelled so good, it was clean but not perfumed, with just a sweet hint of hair wax and the smokiness from his cigarettes, and a trace of his leather jacket. But it was not the products he used or didn't use that made him smell so good, it was just… him. His pheromones would wreak havoc on her. Would they still smell the same? Like, did those things change over time? It would certainly be a pity. Logan didn't smell like that. Logan. She was surprised that the intrusion didn't freak her out so she let it slip out again easily. OK, Jess. The way Jess kissed. Where had he learnt that? Was it him or was it them together being really good at it? She was sure he was an amazing lover. He had to be, he had this thing about him, like the way he would caress her face softly but kiss her hard at the same time, as if he was in control of a great power but gentle about it, and the promise of that power aroused her like no other. And they had only ever kissed. She started rubbing herself harder, with more purpose, and imagined his hands all over her body, tracing the path he would follow with her free hand, pinching her nipples, grabbing her hips hard when thrusting, his mouth wet on her neck, sucking her, and suddenly her dry hand was not good enough for rubbing herself so she licked it and went back at it, stifling a moan against her caressing hand. She grabbed a pillow and buried her face in it, biting it, while she chose a more purposeful rhythm for her hand, but the image in her mind was never changing, never faltering, it was him entering her hard, as she knew he would do if he got the chance – as she would want him to. Just as she reached her release an image appeared in her mind, the look he would give her if he was to come with her on their first time, so long overdue, and she was surprised by what she saw in her imagination. It was a soft look, and she recognized it, it was not dissimilar to the looks he would give her still, from time to time, sweet and caring, almost with reverence. She came and right after started crying desperately, just like that last time she masturbated after he left, and she finally understood why she had kept him shut all those years, why she had put lock on top of chain on that door, and then cried some more, because it was something too big and scary for her to name, and probably lost forever.

She heard Luke's van and the entrance door opening, and then half-heard him whispering to her mom. "Lorelai… let's go to bed. I don't think I can carry you."

"Huh? OK… How was the evening?"

"It was great. Good fun."

"How's Jess?"

Rory's heart stopped when the answer didn't come quickly.

"He's really good. He looked very happy. I met his girlfriend."

"Oh, our town hoodlum has a heart!"

Rory held her tears as she heard her mom and Luke go upstairs, and then resumed crying. How could her mom had ever doubted it? Jess had the biggest, warmest heart, a beautiful contrast to that hard exterior he had had to carve for himself. But his heart was someone else's now. The feeling was still too big and scary to name, but it didn't matter anymore, as she knew it was lost forever.


	7. The Kids Are Alright

Jess had considered declining his mom's invitation. After all, things were good with Martina, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to pass the Gilmore test yet, not until a bit later in the relationship. Things were going fast. Jess asked Martina out soon after Luke's revelatory phone call, and that had only been just a month and a half ago. But it was good, and Jess was not one to chicken out once things became clear for him. Not anymore, at least. He was not naive about his past. He knew that, ultimately, he was the one to fault for his demise with Rory. He didn't go about it right. To begin with, he had prided himself at the beginning of their relationship for being the anti-Dean, a sort of bigger-than-life entity modeled after his literary heroes. The punk Jess knew that true love didn't need Winter Carnivals or carefully planned dates. He even thought she would get it when he left, that she was Catherine to his Heathcliff, Estella to his Pip, Zelda to his Fitzgerald, and that she would understand, in the way that only a real soulmate understands all things understated, that he had a journey to go through before being worthy of her. He had smugly believed that their connection, a beautiful snowflake in their colorless existence in Stars Hollow, the quirkiest ring of Hell, would stand the test of life. But he had missed the point completely. It was funny how he, who had prided himself in knowing her after all those years without real contact, had failed to grasp while they were together the single most important truth about Rory. It was not that Jess had been her Jess because he was different to Dean, it was just that he had been  _him_. She hadn't forsaken feeling secure, nurtured, loved. She had just wanted to be with him. He should have provided those things for her, just as Dean (damn bag boy) had learnt to do before. He hurt her truly first, and well, after that, how could he fault her for hurting him back? Whether it was her survival instinct, fear, or a lack of feelings, the truth was that he started it all. He hoped he had learnt the lesson, and wished he never had to be on the hurting side again. It would collide with the person he had tried to become.

It worried him. He knew he wanted to move further with Martina, but was constantly comparing her expectations with his own. He hoped he was moving just at the right pace so as to get enough time to let his feelings for her grow without putting himself in the position of facing love declarations before being ready. He had avoided that type of situation for many years, and sure, it had been fun and stress-free, but he knew he would eventually need to try again. It scared the shit out of him. And he couldn't help thinking about it a lot. He was afraid of becoming a state-of-the-art robot, capable of mimicking human interactions but without fully understanding or feeling them. Well, he was not a robot, he knew that. He had had feelings before and they were very easy to recognize and name, without a hint of a doubt. But it was the first time he was trying for real to go through the motions again, and he was concerned about not being able to recognize and name those feelings anymore. And if he couldn't, did that mean that they were not there at all? It had to be simpler. He dismissed those fears for the time being. After all, it was still too soon to tell.

And there he was, waiting for Doula outside Stars Hollow's Primary School, still unsure if he would pass the test were he to meet Rory. He had arrived to a compromise with his mom and would spend the first weekend of Christmas break with them but not Christmas day, as he knew they were all getting together at the Dragonfly before Lorelai and Luke left for Nantucket. That would have been too much for him too soon. But he wanted to spend more time with his sister. He liked her. He really wanted to get to know her better. And he pitied her. He pitied himself more for the version of his mother he had had to endure, but… TJ? That was pretty pitiable. At least she wasn't involved by family connections in a cult anymore.

He was a bit early, so he took out of his bag  _Book 2_  of Knausgaard series, aptly named "A Man in Love". The book was really getting to him, and he hoped for his new novel to capture at least a glimpse of what Knausgaard had so brilliantly expressed about love and life.

"Hey, Jess."

There was Lane, all cool and motherly. It struck Jess that Lane had always been cool-cool, totally unconcerned about her own coolness, and that had stuck with her over the years. He gave her a true smile.

"Hey! How are you?"

"Good, good. Well, you know, the twins are driving me nuts. I just came out of a teacher meeting because it seems they've been up to no good lately. So, yeah, how good can one be?"

"Right. Well, don't worry too much about it – they're kids, and I have a hunch that you guys have created a nurturing household for them, so I'm sure they have all the building blocks to achieve true happiness. Don't stress. Kids are punks, anyway." She gave him a weird look, as if she had seen a dog talking. "Hey, this is a pearl of wisdom from Stars Hollows most celebrated hoodlum, don't dismiss it!"

She laughed. "Sorry, for a minute there I realized that's the longest I've ever heard you talk, so my brain froze."

"No worries, I know the stare well, I get it a lot around here. So, is Zack good?"

"Yeah, well, falling deeper into the corporate trap than he would like and totally freaking out about it, but good. You know, Steve and Kwan are pretty good friends with Doula, are you here to babysit? Because we could do something together. You know, unless you were planning on alone quality time with your sister."

"That would be really cool, if Doula is up for it. I really wouldn't want to disappoint her if she just wants us to have a makeover on each other or something, but it works for me."

"Great. Because you don't strike me as a mom who won't stop talking about grades and career paths and the pitfalls of our public education system, and I could use an adult conversation on music."

"Oh, I'm totally up for that. A music conversation, not a conversation about grades. I would make a terrible middle-class white mom."

"Jess!" Doula came running to him and gave him a hug and a kiss. "Are you really here for the weekend?"

"You need to trust your eyes, kid! Do they not teach you anything at that public school of yours?"

Lane laughed. "Hey, Doula, I was saying to Jess that we could do something with Kwan and Steve, would you be up for that?"

"Cool! Can we get ice cream? Mom doesn't let me because she says it's not organic and it's full of nasties, but I love it."

"Wait, do we share moms? What do you say, Jess?"

"Whatever pushes Doula away from the organic vegetable cult and me from a makeover."

* * *

They spent the afternoon eating ice cream and playing Mario Kart in Lane's house. Lane gave him tons of recommendations for obscure bands when he confessed he had polished his tastes and would now accept post-punk as a desirable outcome in the rock genealogy, and Lane was excited to let her knowledge shine after he told him that he was really interested in the female role in punk history and that he loved the Slits and Siouxsie and the Banshees. Zack joined them for a while after work, and Jess and Doula left shortly after.

"So, what's that big book that you were reading? Can I read it?"

Jess handed it to her.

"Uh huh!  _A Man in Love_! Is it romantic? Are you in love?"

Jess laughed. "No, I don't think so. It's a pretty big thing, being in love."

"Well, I'm in love with Kwan. How should I go about it?"

Jess wondered if Doula had told her mom already, or if she was confiding in him because he was her big brother. He liked the idea of that. "What does mom tell you about it?"

"Mom? She doesn't know! Please, don't tell her! Oh, I shouldn't have told you, I don't know why I did."

"Hey, don't worry! I won't tell anyone, I promise. I just didn't want to supersede mom's advice."

"What's  _superseed_ "

"It's super _sede,_ S-E-D-E, and it means replacing authority, as in I didn't want to say something that would clash with what mom had said and mess up."

"But we had ice cream. That superseded her authority and you didn't mind."

"Behold the apprentice surpassing the master. You are right, you caught me. I asked about mom because I was curious if you had told her."

"Why?"

"It felt pretty cool being the person you trusted with your secrets, and I wanted to know if I was the only one. I like it."

"Of course you are. You are my brother. Plus, I trust your opinion. You've never ever worn stupid clothes."

"So that's important for the subject matter?"

"Very. Imagine I asked advice to a boy who dressed like an idiot. How could he know anything about love?"

"You make a crushing point."

"So, what do I do?"

"You know what, Doula? Even if my good taste in clothes makes me, in your eyes, worthy of your trust, I'll tell you that I've messed up big time before with girls that I loved and that I would feel uncomfortable giving you advice that could potentially make you repeat your brother's mistakes. That being said, you do you, Doula. You are, by far, the coolest kid I've ever met. Scratch  _kid_ , you're the coolest person. Just make sure you don't hurt each other and stay good friends, and the rest will follow."

"And what's the rest?"

"That's a beautiful question for your mom."

"So… You messed up with girls you loved before? How many?"

"Well, I guess this whole trusting-with-secrets thing works both ways, right?"

"I suppose."

"Girl. There has just been one girl."

"Wow, you serious? You're like  _thirthy_  and you've only loved one girl?"

"Thirty-two, and yeah. So, are you going to reassess your adviser hiring parameters now?"

"Nah, I still trust you. So, do you still love her? The girl?"

Jess exhaled. "Mmm… I guess that, once you've loved someone, you cannot  _unlove_  them anymore. So, yeah, in a way, I do. But it's different than being in love, it's more like loving a friend or something. I wish her good things. I wish her happiness, even if that means loving guys that are not me. What do you think? Complicated, huh?"

"Very. It must be a great kind of love, then. I don't think I have that. If Kwan loved another girl I would kick her."

"Totally understandable, if unfair. To be honest, the jury is still out on how well I manage those kicker instincts myself."

"That girl's an idiot. You are for sure the best boyfriend she could get."

"I really get that a lot lately." Yeah, he definitely liked Doula, and it was nice to talk about Rory, even if in a PG-rated conversation, just for once. "So listen, how does one go about loving Kwan but not Steve?"


	8. Lying to Lane

"Lane, I need to tell you something."

Rory was ready to start sharing the news to her closest friends, a sure symptom, she thought, of having worked everything out. "Me too."

"Really? What is it?"

"You first."

"Now I'm not sure. How important is your thing?"

"Not very. A 2, in a scale to 10. A 1.5, maybe."

"OK, you go first. Mine's higher, so I think it's best if we leave it for the end."

"OK... I hope you don't get mad, and I don't know why you should, but I still feel bad about it for some reason…"

"Lane, focus."

"Alright. Jess was here yesterday in a playdate with Doula, Steve and Kwan."

Wow, totally higher than 1.5. "OK… Why? How? Let me get it out of the way: I'm not mad at all, why would I be? I'm just surprised."

"I don't know, he's Jess. He has like this aura about him, like he has the ability to shake everyone's life if he wishes to. Your life. I don't know, I don't spend much time in the real world, I could be imagining things."

Rory thought that it sounded pretty spot-on. "So… My previous questions still stand: why? How?"

"I just saw him waiting in Stars Hollow's Elementary and we started chatting, and it was actually quite nice, and then there's something I need to tell you but you cannot tell anyone."

"OK… that sounds worrying."

"No, no, no! It's just that…"Lane lowered her voice as if she was still gossiping in Ms. Kim's house. "Kwan is in love with Doula."

"No way! That's so cute!"

"I know! So I saw Jess there, waiting for her sister, and thought I would play matchmaker."

"You're very cunning, Ms. Van Gerbig! So, how was it? The playdate, I mean. No, Jess, actually, how was Jess?" She tried to sound nonchalant but wasn't sure if she had managed.

"He was… really nice. As in really, really nice. He loves that kid to bits, let me tell you, and she loves him back. They're quite funny to watch, actually – he talks to her as if she was an adult and she actually gets him. That kid is gifted. And she always replies with very girly stuff and then you see Jess' head exploding, trying to come back with jokes that are not corny but failing most of the times. Perhaps kids are like Jess' kryptonite, you know? Like they disarm him or something." Rory couldn't stand it anymore and burst out crying. "Rory? What is it? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, no, it's just that... I'm pregnant."

Lane put a really serious face, darted to the cupboard and came back with a box of Mallomars. "Here, for the meltdown. I used to get them all the time and chocolate would be the only help."

Rory had one Mallomar between sobs. She watched Lane watch her eat it, as if she was disarming a bomb, and started laughing in fits at the tought, but still sobbing.

"Oh my god! You are 100% pregnant!"

"I know!"

Lane hugged her hard. "Sister, welcome to the club. It's the shittiest club ever: alcohol is not allowed." That only made Rory cry and laugh harder, and it got Lane crying and laughing too. "OK, we need to calm down here! You need to tell me everything! And what has Jess have to do with everything?"

"What? Nothing!"

"Sorry, it's just that your meltdown came right after me talking about him being great with kids and I just connected the dots."

"No, there's nothing going on with Jess. And the baby… is Logan's."

"OK… Logan who's getting married? Logan in London? That Logan?"

"That one."

"Oh, OK. And… Jeez-there-are-so-many-things-I-want-to-ask-and I don't know where to begin! Give me a Mallomar."

Rory handed her the Mallomars and then told her everything about the pregnancy and what she had decided.

"I'm going to London. The day after tomorrow. To tell him. And I have a contract for him to sign."

"Wow, and… do you think he will?"

"I'm not sure, but I think he will be smart enough to take the easy way out that I'm handing him."

* * *

Rory left Lane's house and walked to the library, where she would sometimes go to write during the day if the diner was busy and she couldn't concentrate in the apartment. She selected her usual spot. It had a nice chair beside the window and a huge shelf of really outdated IT manuals on the back that no one ever checked out, which made her feel sheltered. That day, though, she was not alone in that corner. She could make out someone hushing behind the shelf.

"Tell me again why you like this spot?"

"Because it's right by the outdated IT manuals that no one ever checks and no one will kick us out for sitting here. Nobody has needed a Windows 95 manual since… well, 1995."

Jess. She couldn't decide if running or staying put.

"I love the book, Jess. Am I like Matilda a little bit?"

"A lot, that's why I got it. Minus the telekinesis. You don't have telekinesis, do you?"

"I wish. But I would tell you if I did, now that we share secrets and all."

"Good, because I have some really heavy boxes at home that I haven't touched since the last move and I could really use some help."

"OK, shhh, I'm trying to concentrate on moving things around here. Go back to your book."

Her heart was coming out of her throat. Lane had been right, only she had underrated how good he was with Doula. They were pals. They were book buddies. He had taken her to his secret reading spot. She felt something she had never felt, not even since finding out she was pregnant – maternal instinct. Towards a father. Was that a thing? Whatever it was, the feeling manifested itself with a good amount of arousal, as was usual lately. She needed to get out. She gathered her stuff untidily and darted out, only to crash against a buffed up wall.

"Stealing books, Gilmore?"

She blushed, and she knew instantly that it was the blush to end all blushes. "What?"

"Are you? You look really shaken, as if you had stolen the declaration of independence. Wait… are you stealing MS-DOS manuals for the Gazette?"

"I… I…"

"Go on, I won't tell. I'm the one that committed that fake crime in front of Doose's, remember?"

"I… I need to get out."

She circled around Jess and quickly made it to the door. She heard Jess ask Doula to stay put until he came back, and his sister asking him if "it was  _her_ ". She wasn't. She wasn't the  _her_  in Jess' life, whatever her name was. She never heard the reply, though, because as soon as she was near the door she started running.


	9. Lying to Jess

At first he froze. He couldn't believe it, Rory was running from him. Again. What had gotten into her? Had she really stolen books? What was she hiding? He managed to regain his senses quickly enough and followed her. It was Gilmore, after all – he was sure she hadn't become a runner in the past years. She caught up with her around the corner and lowered his speed to stay right behind her. She stopped at a crossing, and he took advantage to grab her arms slowly, so as not to scare her. She lowered her head when he did and seemed defeated, but didn't attempt to escape anymore, so he strengthened his hold and turned her around. She was crying. He thought he had never seen her cry; at least not like that. It broke his heart.

"Rory, what's wrong? Please, don't cry."

"I'm sorry, it's alright, I'll be fine. You can go."

He considered. For some reason he couldn't fathom, he knew she was crying because of him. Was she really, though? What had he done? He couldn't think of anything, but felt awful all the same. "I… I don't think I can. I get it, though, that you don't want to be around me right now. Can I just follow you from a distance until you get home? I really can't stand seeing you like this."

She laughed. He didn't know why but she laughed. The tears seemed to stop. "Thanks. That's very sweet. I'm fine now, I swear."

"Rory… what's wrong? Can I help?"

"No, I don't think you can. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with you."

"OK, but still, you know you can tell me, right?"

"No… I don't think I can."

"Some people consider me quite understanding. After all, I've made all the mistakes in the book."

"I doubt it. And… I can't tell you. Yet. But I will, I promise. I'm just not ready yet."

He had no clue what was going on, absolutely no clue. He had never in his life felt so clueless. He was shocked. He wondered if that's how Rory had felt when he left, or when he came back for his car and wouldn't stop running away from her. He felt terrible. But, since he had been on the other side, the least he could do was being supportive. "Don't worry, Ror, you don't even need to tell me, I'll be here for you anyway – you know that, right?"

She looked at him with doe eyes. She seemed fearful, but nodded.

"Can I suggest something? It's one of those wonderful inventions that make people instantly feel better without the need of words."

"Are you talking about… prescription drugs?"

Jess laughed. "No, Gilmore: a hug. A plain old hug. I'll give it to you, and you don't even need to do or say anything. Just stay put."

Jess saw her doubt, so he encircled her slowly, giving her time to push him away if she wanted. She didn't push him, though, so he closed his arms around her completely. At first she didn't move, but he felt her breath deeply once and then return the hug, settling to his body. For a brief moment he almost reconsidered everything he had decided during the past two months. He had missed being so close to her. He had missed her scent. He could tell she didn't use the same toiletries anymore but still smelled like Rory. But he suddenly felt her weeping against his jacket, her face nestled on his chest, and those thoughts were replaced by pure concern. She wouldn't tell him anything, he knew, so he just stood there, in that close hug, hoping that she would at least find some relief in it. After a while she stopped crying and he kissed the top of her head. She broke the hug, slowly, while he returned his hands to her arms and searched in her face.

"Feel better?"

"Yes. It really is a wonderful invention."

He smiled, and he saw her smile back. "That's what I've been told. I had never tried one, though. Beats hitting a wall, if you ask me, and hurts a lot less. That's a lesson for you, Gilmore."

She laughed. "Thanks, Jess. I will go now. Please don't worry about me, I'm fine."

He nodded, but knew he was lying – he would worry. She saw her cross the street and leave, and he run back to the library. He found Doula where she left her.

"So?"

"Is it alright if we leave now, Doula? We'll go back home."

She nodded, understanding, and followed him out of the library. "So that was her."

"How did you even know?"

"You should have seen your face when you saw her."

"And how did  _you_  see it?"

"Peeped through some empty space in the shelf. Are you angry?"

"With you?" He stopped and looked at her. "Never." And he gave her a hug, which she returned with a kiss. "They're quite underrated, hugs. I'm starting to like them."

"Jess? You really must have messed badly for her to run away from you like that." That hurt, but she was right. He nodded. "Still, I also saw her from that hole, you know? And I really think she loves you back."

Jess dismissed her sister's words. He knew she was just trying to comfort him, but he appreciated it anyway. "I'll drop you home and will be back in half an hour for lunch. I need to do something first."

* * *

"Luke, do you have a minute? I need to talk to you. Alone."

Luke followed Jess out of the diner and to the back alley.

"OK, what's going on with Rory? I just met her in the library and she ran away from me. I caught her outside and she started crying big time. Is she OK? I'm really worried, Luke. Like, dead worried. Is she sick? Is she dying? It was not fair for you to tell me to move on if she is because I want to stand by her." He saw his uncle frown as if he was attempting a differential equation. Jess felt mad. "Man, are you listening?" He shook his uncle by the arms. "Is she? Fuck, just tell me already."

"No, Jess, don't worry, she isn't sick and she isn't dying, she's absolutely fine, in that sense, at least."

"Then what the hell is going on? I'm telling you, I had never felt dumb in my life and suddenly there's something I don't understand and I cannot stand it."

"I… can't tell you, kid. I really can't. It's Rory's life. She's just… figuring out stuff, but she's the one to tell you if she wants to, I cannot betray her. You're like a son to me, Jess, but… so is she. I can't say more. I'm really sorry."

Jess let out a breath and started pacing. "Well, as long as she is not dying. I guess she will tell me eventually."

"She will, I'm sure she will. So… she ran away? From you? And then started crying?"

"Yeah! She's been really weird with me lately. She was aloof at the wedding, then rang me one day out of the blue, and now this."

"That's weird."

"Wait, so what you know is going on with her has nothing to do with me?"

"Why would it?"

"Beats me! But you seem so surprised as I was of her running away from me."

"Yeah, I don't know. Have you done anything?"

"Oh, there we go. The town hoodlum wreaking havoc again. I haven't done anything!"

"Well, I had to ask! It's very weird…"

Jess stopped pacing, suddenly worried for his cluelessness being a genetic trait. "Luke, listen to me: is there anything in this situation that makes you think that what you told me over the phone is not valid anymore?"

He saw it. He saw doubt. Luke was slow in gathering his words. "And… what if it did? That ship had sailed, you told me yourself! And what about Martina? You two seem happy, Jess!"

He was right. He had lied to his uncle that day. When he saw her after four years and they were both available he had entertained the idea of a new chance for them. And he had pretended that it was not true. "I know. And I am. Was. I'm very confused right now. But listen, if there is a chance and you know, you need to tell me, because this is very serious. It's taking all my courage to be in a relationship again and it's not without its doubts, but I'm trying, I really am. It's just… it's Rory, you know? It's my life. It's not a rehearsal for the big play, it's the only shot we get and then we all die and I don't want to make it to that day wondering what could have been, and I don't want to be with someone without being 100% sure that there wasn't anything else for me to try in that regard, because I couldn't forgive myself, I just couldn't, and I don't want to feel that way anymore, you know? It's been fucking hard! I fucked up before. I fucked up and I made myself unhappy. I don't want to do it again. I swear I've become the fucking Jedi of feelings and I don't want to go to the dark side anymore. I try to be honest. With myself, with others, so I don't fuck up again. So help me out here. You should understand. You've been there, with Lorelai, right? Right?"

Luke hesitated but then smiled. He gave Jess a hug. "I know. I have. And I don't honestly know what to tell you about Rory, and that's a first, because I sure like to tell people what's best for them. But, you know what? You do you, Jess. You're way better at this than I ever was. Do what you think is right, and the rest will follow."

"Jeez, uncle Luke, do you buy love advice in my store? Because I've heard that one before."

"What?"

"Never mind."

Luke patted Jess and with a smile head back to the diner. Jess stayed in the alley for a couple minutes to recompose his cool façade, and then left the back alley absent-minded enough to bump right into Lorelai.

"Hey, step nephew! Distracted much these days?"

"Yeah, well, there seems to be an epidemic."

The quip wasn't good enough for his standards and certainly not enough for Lorelai's. He saw her coming up with a reply but then stopping. She seemed confused by his look, somehow.

"Are you OK? You seem… distressed, and the banter was no good. Come on, you can do better. We're family now, I forgive you. Give it a shot."

He doubted. He was really losing it that morning. "Lorelai?"

"Jess?" She was bewildered, he could tell.

"You're right, Lorelai, we're family. I know this offer is not going to come from your favorite relative in the world, but here it comes anyway. I know something's wrong with Rory. She hasn't told me what, but I can tell it's serious and I'm really concerned. If you, at any stage, consider that I could help Rory in any way, by being by her side, by bringing food or books, by kicking a snowman, whatever, will you let me know? I asked her what's wrong and she wouldn't tell me. I have a hunch it's a bit of Gilmore pride, I know the feeling well because I invented it. But I also know that, even at my most stupid, the unasked help of those around me made the world to me. So… will you?"

He saw shock in Lorelai's face, and was a bit surprised when he realized that even Lorelai had been probably just as clueless as everyone else in the most serious matters. "I… don't know what to say. I would really need to know that that's what Rory needs before doing so, but yeah, if I ever really know it, I will, for sure."

"Thanks. And I'll keep working on that quip for next time."

Jess made a gesture to leave, but Lorelai stopped him.

"Wait! There really is an epidemic, huh?" He smiled at her attempt to build a bridge between them. "So… you really care about her, don't you?"

"But of course, Mr. Emerson. What did you all think?"


	10. Lying to Logan

The six-hour flight to London was tough. She spent half of the flight puking and the other half going over her encounter with Jess. She was sure it had been the clumsiest, most desperate display of a disturbed mind in the history of humanity. And he had been… amazing. She had been a bit surprised of how well he had managed her when she thought about it on the way home, but then she wasn't surprised at all. That was Jess. He had become that person. For a moment, she wondered if he had gotten so good at communicating feelings after what had happened between them, if he had learnt a tough lesson then, but then dismissed the thought. She didn't think herself that important. She didn't think she  _deserved_ to be that important, after having fucked up everything so irrevocably. She didn't deserve such a person. But he had been amazing. And she knew he would always support her, even if she didn't tell him what was going on. But, what would he do when he knew? He would probably support her still, even if he was disappointed. She cried. She didn't even have the right to think about those things. He was with someone else now, and she knew one thing: she couldn't be old Rory anymore. She couldn't destroy another relationship, and especially not Jess'. He didn't deserve it, he deserved to be happy and with someone who wasn't as fucked up as she was. And even if he was available, what would she ask of him? To start a relationship with a pregnant woman? To Jess, who had never had a father figure, as herself, when he grew up? She knew he was far too responsible to be messing up with such things. She promised herself she would stay away from him.

She thought how he still smelled the same, minus the leather jacket, the hair wax and the cigarettes. Damn, she had had a really hard time with that hug, she had just been a melting pot of feelings and she hadn't known which one to fight off the most. She had really wanted to rip his clothes apart and have him rip hers, at first. But then, she had wished for him to hold her all night and caress her, and to forgive all of her mistakes, and to whisper to her that everything would be alright, so there was that. But she couldn't think about those things anymore, that ship had sailed for her. How was she going to avoid those thoughts further on? She needed to stop if she had to stay away from him. She cried while crushed against the corner of her tiny seat by a large, snoring Hasidic jew. It was like an ironic biblical punishment. She had definitely hit rock bottom.

* * *

She met Logan in a posh, quiet cafeteria in Chelsea. She had chosen the place – she had wanted to avoid the uncomfortable moment of ordering drinks before the truth was out. She had allowed herself a real coffee, though, just that once. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and sat down with a smirk on his face.

"Let me tell you, Ace, that I've never been so intrigued in my life. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Uh, well, I need to tell you something, and I need you to hear me out before saying anything."

"Then please get started, the suspense is killing me."

Alright, here she came. There was the moment she had been preparing for all those months. She prayed to whatever gods were available to a horny, clumsy, pregnant former adulteress and underpaid bookshop assistant to help her stay strong. "Well, alright. Here I come. Alright." She took a sip of her coffee.

"Ace! Out with it, I'm dying here."

"OK…I'm pregnant. It's yours, obviously." His face betrayed shock. "So here's the part of the speech I need you to hear out before saying anything: I'm keeping the baby, but the way we left things still stands for me. I think there's a reason that we haven't been official these past years, and it's because we are not really  _it_ for each other, in case you were wondering if I'm here to break your marriage or anything. I don't want any money; in fact, I won't  _accept_  any money. If you feel in any way obliged in that sense towards the baby, by all means, feel free to put money aside for it. Oh, it's so weird calling it  _it_. Anyways, the most important part. If all these conditions seem reasonable to you, I will be more than happy for you to be in the baby's life in any way you feel comfortable with, and we can work it out, as long as I keep the custody and control of major life decisions such as schooling. You have a right to being in its life, ugh,  _its_ , and that's why I'm telling you, no hidden agenda. Oh, yeah, one last thing: I want it to be a Gilmore. I think, with the current situation, that would be the smartest. And that's it."

Logan seemed mad. "Wow, you do seem to have everything worked out. Are you sure you didn't get pregnant all by yourself?"

She noticed she had hurt him and she felt terribly bad for it, but she knew she was doing the right thing. "I truly believe this is the best way."

"Is there anyone else in your life?"

"What?"

"Because, you know, it would have been much easier to just go on with it and have whoever be the pretend dad, you know? Since I don't seem to count for anything."

"No, Logan, there's no one else." And it was true, after all. As much as she wanted, nothing was going to happen with Jess. "I think… I think it's a lot of information for you to take in now. It's taken me a long time to get here myself. I think you should think this through and we can talk about it again, I'm staying until tomorrow. Please, let's do this right. I want to do this right for you as well. Here." She got the contract out of her purse. "Check it out. Have your lawyer revise it."

"Do you think I care about any of this, Rory? It's our kid, that's how I want to think about it, not like a scandal that needs to be covered up. You are really insulting me by doing this."

"So, how would you go about it? Tell me, because two heads think better than one and perhaps you're right, perhaps there's a different way, but believe me when I tell you that I've been thinking about this constantly for two months and this is the best I have come up with, so give me a bit of credit here."

"I don't know, Rory." He had stopped calling her  _Ace_. "I mean, you want the world not to know it's mine. That hurts."

"That's not it, Logan. The few people that know of course know it's yours. If you're in this, the baby will know. But I'm not marrying into your family, and you are still marrying Odette, aren't you? I can't see how a Huntzberger heir that doesn't come from your marriage would be something you wanted." Logan conceded with his face. "And do you honestly feel bad because I don't want any of your money? I work in a bookstore! I'm absolutely broke! Let me assure you that a big fat check would be the easy way out."

"Why are you working in a bookstore, anyway? You could do better, Ace. Did you go to the meeting with Condé Nast?"

"I couldn't, I couldn't do better. I could pretend that I'm doing better, pretend that I have a lavish life that would make it seem for you that I'm doing better, but it would all be a lie. I don't want to pretend anymore. I need to start with baby steps, no pun intended, and be truly independent from everyone. This is the way. It's not necessarily going to be pretty."

"So, what: are you hoping that your little book will be a best-seller, the next big American novel, and you'll have your Cinderella story? All writers starve."

"That was uncalled for, and I've heard that contempt for a writer before. I don't like it. I never said that I expected the book to save me, but it is something that brings me joy. You should be able to gauge the importance of it, because it is important for me."

"Wait, is this what it is? That Hemingway friend of yours has convinced you to join the beat side of life? Are you all buddy-buddy with him now?"

"Stop. There's nothing there. I don't like this, it's really hurting me. I truly want to do things right. I know what right means to me. I think you need to think about what it means to you and come back so we can discuss this as adults."

Logan stood up to leave but then sat back again. "You're right, Ace. I'm sorry." He put his hand on the table and Rory grabbed it. "First things, first: how are you?"

She smiled. "I'm fine. Puking at regular intervals, but fine."

"You've been holding yourself like a queen so far. And you look great." He paused. "How's the baby? It's still an  _it,_ I gathered from your uncomfortable use of pronouns, right?"

"The baby is fine, and yeah, it's a mystery, still." She pressed Logan's hand. "I'm sorry if I broke the news this way. I truly thought it was best."

"I know you did. And sorry for hinting at an involvement with someone else. I was afraid."

"But I was with Paul before and you didn't mind."

"No, I didn't mind that. I would mind you having feelings for someone else, though."

"Logan…"

"I know. I know."

"Well, you don't need to worry about that." And what else could she say? She couldn't even worry about it herself.

"It's just hard, you know? This feels really final."

"What do you mean, Logan? It was final the last time as well."

"Was it? I though it was final long ago but we've still had the last two years. I thought… I don't know. That maybe, after the wedding, if we gave it some time… we would find the way to each other again."

Rory took her hand and put it back in her lap.

"Ouch."

"I'm sorry, Logan. But it really was final for me."

She hated the version of Rory Gilmore she saw through Logan's eyes. She despised it because it was real for him, because that's who she had been. She wondered if he was right. If she hadn't had the rude baby awakening, would they have eventually gone back to the old ways? He truly believed it. It was a sour pill to take.

"Don't worry. I can see that now, Ace."

She took a breath. "I loved you, I really did. I still do, and I guess I will always do, in a way, like I will always be there for you, if you need me, just not like that. You want me in your life in a way I can't accept."

"And if I didn't? Are you saying that the only problem is Odette?"

She had feared this moment more than anything else. He was handing her option B. She considered it for the last time. After all, she had destroyed all possibilities of having a chance with Jess, and it was Logan. She loved him, somehow. Perhaps they could make it work. Perhaps that would be the truly selfless thing to do, for the baby, to provide a life that would be easy. But that hadn't worked so well for her. No, it hadn't. She suddenly understood that she had been a much better version of Rory Gilmore in her first, humble years in Stars Hollow, than with all the commodities of the world when she grew up.

"I think… not, Logan. I think we're not right for each other. I think if we were, we've had many chances of figuring it out over the years. I think that's not the way to approach this. A part of me wants to say yes but it's not the part that I'm most proud of. It wouldn't be right. I need everything to be right, from now on. It's not for my sake. There something more important now."

They left the cafeteria and went different ways. Logan promised to go through the documents and think about everything so they could discuss it again before her plane left the next day. She walked to her cheap B&B. She felt sad, but she had done the right thing, and that felt good. She was going to be alright. After all, she had succeeded in the most challenging test of her life. She was finally confident that she would be able to let Jess go. She also cared for him deeply, selflessly. He deserved better. She would make right by him from then on, regardless of her own feelings. She truly wished him all the happiness in the world.


	11. Lying to Lorelai

She went straight to her mom's after the plane landed. Since she had everything figured out about the baby and had accepted that she didn't want to interfere with Jess' life, she was more comfortable with the prospect of being around Luke. She knew anyway that he wouldn't mention his nephew in front of her, there had always been a sort of tacit agreement between them since Jess left, all those years ago. But when she arrived home, her mom was alone. Lorelai hugged her at the door and stood looking at her closely. Rory thought that she was probably worried that she had changed her mind about Logan in the end.

"It's done. He has the contract. You can breath now, mom."

She did, audibly. "Don't get me wrong, kiddo, I know you have a strong will, but I know better than anyone that what you did was tough. So, how was he?"

"He was good. Mad, at first, at my coldness."

"It must have been really hard for him. I might not approve of his lifestyle, but he sure cares for you."

"I know. Still, we were supposed to meet again this morning – was it this morning? I don't know in which day I'm living anymore. Anyway, we were supposed to meet again so he could have time to go over the contract and think about everything but we didn't, in the end. He said he needed more time to consider. But he reassured me that he wouldn't stand in the way of doing this the way I wanted, and I believe him. I guess he's just… shocked." Rory thought that she saw the shadow of a doubt over her mom's face, but she didn't dwell on it. There was no overturning things anymore. "So, where's Luke?"

"Oh, he went to Liz's for dinner."

"But Luke hates TJ."

"Nah, he doesn't hate him so much. Just his Crocs."

"Yeah, right, and he likes grandma, too. Listen, you don't need to hide it, mom. I know he knows. I'm not mad."

Lorelai looked ashamed. "I'm so sorry, kiddo. I thought I would be better to you if I had a wonderwall of my own."

"You know what? I'm really glad you did, you've been great so far. If he's been helpful to you, I'm grateful." Her mom exhaled, relieved. "Mom? All these years… I feel like you've kept your opinion on things from me because you didn't want us to drift apart as we did when… you know. And I just wanted to tell you that… it's not going to happen. You don't need to be afraid of speaking your mind anymore. I actually want you too. I feel bad that you've felt that you had to because you feared the way I would take things. I know I've done things you don't approve of, and I wanted you to know that I don't approve of them either. But that's over now. I want you to be the true baby's grandma, not just a relative, after all."

Her mom started crying and hugged her.

"OK, kiddo. That's a done deal. I'm so proud of you."

"You know what? You hadn't told me that in a long while."

"Well, let's break the habit, shall we?"

They smiled at each other and cried together.

"I'll talk to Luke tomorrow, mom. I don't want him to be uncomfortable in his own house."

"He'll really appreciate you telling him. He cares for you."

"I know. And I for him."

"So! We haven't even made it to the living room. Come in, my precious baby baker."

Rory took her coat off and stepped in. Her mom had ordered a feast worthy of a movie night. She looked at her as if she had a devious design in mind. "I guess that you've chosen the film already."

"I sure have. Sit."

She collapsed on the couch. She could use a bit of entertainment. She was sick of thinking. "So, what is it?"

Her mother gave her a big grin. She knew that grin. She feared that grin. " _A Room with a View._ Someone mentioned it in passing the other day and I felt like watching it again. Plus I love the costume design. And there's naked British guys in it. There's very few instances of naked guys but not girls in films."

Fuck. Perhaps the thinking was not over, then. She didn't think she couldn't take that particular film at the moment. Her mom was staring at her.

"Not happy about my choice, loinfruit?" Yeah, she was really staring at her. Where was her mom getting at with that film choice?

"Huh, no it's fine. I loved the book."

"Good, good. Let's do it, then."

She pressed play and sit back. Over the film, at particular moments, she could feel her mom staring at her. So that's where she wanted to get at. Her mom thought she was like Miss Honeychurch, lying to everyone about her feelings. Did she also think she was as self-absorbed and posh as her? She couldn't help crying at the end of the film, though. It really did mirror her life, only it ended happily.

"Did you enjoy it, hun?"

"Well, aside from the fact that it made me feel totally shitty for not getting a happy ending, sure, it was lovely."

"Oh, but Logan really wasn't your  _it_ , was he?"

"No, of course. But still, look at me." She pointed at her belly. "I don't believe guys will be queuing up to love me now."

"Guys, or  _a_  guy?"

"Which guy?"

"I don't know… do  _you_  know?"

"I thought we had established that the other day. Are you OK, mom?"

"Sure, hun. I was just thinking of poor Miss Honeychurch, with her true feelings all bottled up." She said it in her terrible mock British accent.

Her mom stood up and carried the leftovers to the kitchen. Rory helped her and then got her bag and took it to her room. Lorelai leaned on the door frame.

"I was just thinking the other day that, after considering how everyone turned out over the years, Logan is definitely my least favorite of your ex-boyfriends. The rest grew out fine, I guess. Except Dean. Yeah, he was a cheater, after all. Good night, hun."

Lorelai turned and left. Rory stood in her room, stunned.


	12. Hard Truths

Jess had been in a distressed state of mind since he went back to New York. He had definitely failed the Gilmore test. But it was not only that, he was really concerned for Rory and couldn't get the fears out of his head. He accepted that he would need to be patient and wait for her to go to him, but it was hard. He felt he had been patient enough in his life already. Still, he couldn't deny the implications of what had happened to him when they met. It was tough to accept. He rang Martina's bell and went up to her apartment. She greeted him with a hug and a kiss, and somehow the whole hugging didn't feel as comforting anymore.

"Martina, I don't know how else to put this, but we need to talk." He couldn't stand the disappointment in her face. It was pretty similar to the one he felt.

"OK, Jess. Speak your mind."

"I really like you. Like, really, really like you, and believe me when I tell you that I hadn't felt like this in a really long time."

"You don't need to sugar coat it for me, Jess. Go on with the big  _but."_

"Yeah, that. But I think I still have feelings for someone else, and I don't want us to go on unless I figure out if I do for sure. I feel really bad about this. I thought those feelings were gone, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm so sorry. I hope I'm doing the right thing by telling you."

Martina's face sunk, but she nodded. "Yeah, thanks for telling me. I really appreciate it."

"Martina…"

"No, I'm serious, thanks for telling me. I can see it's the truth. I really believe you didn't know before. You're not as hard to read as you think you are." She gave him a small smile, but it vanished in a glimpse. "Has anything happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Between you and this other person. Have you… been together?"

"No, of course not. I wouldn't do that."

"Yeah, well. It's a pity, really. I thought so too, that you weren't like that."

"And how is it a pity, then?"

"It's a pity that you are the type of person that I thought and we can't be together, that's all."

And then it happened. If it had ever happened before, Jess didn't want to remember, because it was scary, but he started crying. "I'm so really sorry. I thought I was ready but I guess I wasn't."

"Hey! Don't be." Martina hugged him and laughed. "You have a talent for breaking up with people, Jess. Why am I comforting you?"

Jess laughed too. "I don't know! But you shouldn't."

"It's weird, I know I shouldn't, but I still can't not do it. Is that crazy?"

"Beats me. Life is crazy, I try not to dwell too much on it."

"Hey, Jess… don't be too sorry. I wasn't there yet either. No hard feelings."

"Now you are the one sugar coating."

"I'm not, I swear! I won't lie, I'm really disappointed. But… I get it. You cannot  _unfeel_  feelings, it's just not possible, and even if you carrying yourself properly about it makes me… more disappointed, I respect it. I appreciate it. You're a decent guy."

"Thanks. It means a lot."

"Just… be happy, or whatever. So I don't need to feel sorry about this."

She stood up, and he followed suit. "You too. You're great. If I had a say in the matter, I would choose you."

"I'm not so sure about it, but thanks anyway. Take care, Jess."

She kissed him on the cheek and he left.

* * *

He spent the next couple of days trying not to think about everything. If he had learnt anything over the years was that it was not wise to make decisions while being a mess. He still didn't know what was going on with Rory, and he settled to waiting until he did to figure out everything. An unknown caller surprised him one morning.

"Hello?"

"Mmm… Hi, Jess. This is Lorelai."

"Well, hi. Is everything alright?"

"You are right. I can see why I call from my side could sound like the seven trumpets."

"No, it's not that, it's just… really, is everything alright?"

"Yeah, sorry, everything's alright and everyone's alright. So… listen, I heard you are not coming to Christmas dinner."

"Well, I have stuff to do in the city…"

"Santa, is that you?"

Jess laughed. Lying to Lorelai was tricky. "OK, OK. I just didn't want to make things complicated for anyone."

"Meaning Rory."

"Or you. Perhaps I don't want you to scold me for drinking your beers."

"OK, I'm getting old here. Listen, do you remember the last time we talked?"

"Vividly."

"Well, I still don't know anything in that regard, so it's not why I'm calling. But… Luke would really like you to be there, and even if I don't know if, as I was saying, you could be… helpful, I just want you to know that, at least in what concerns me, you wouldn't be…  _un-helpful_. Does that make sense?"

"Hardly."

"OK, throw me a line here. Let me put it in a different way. Me, Lorelai Gilmore, would like you to come. It would mean a lot to me."

Jess was baffled. "Why?"

"I… really want to get to know you better. In case one day you become… helpful. As in you stay friends with Rory. I don't want to wonder why she takes advice from you being a hoodlum and all. I want my mind changed. I think it's time we at least took that step. And then you're my step-nephew. How's that for a life plot-twist, huh?"

Jess didn't want to read more into Lorelai's speech than what she was saying, but the appeal was too big. "You're right. OK, I'll be there."

"Great. You can stay at the Dragonfly in case you don't want to be around TJ when he's had too much punch."

"Wow, that's really nice, Lorelai. You know TJ is into Crocs now? He won't stop talking about them, or wearing them, which is really disturbing. I'll take your offer as long as I can pay for the room, otherwise it will be my mother's couch and TJ's drunk snoring and Croc parading."

"There's no way in hell you're paying."

"It's non-negotiable."

"I closed the inn for the day to have the dinner and everyone's off, it won't even be like a real inn, you won't have room service, and I'm not sure anyone will be staying there in the end, so in a way, if you stay, you'll be doing me a favor, guarding the house and all."

"You really have a knack for convincing people."

"It's one of my most celebrated traits."

"OK, Lorelai, you win. Thanks a lot."

"Thank you. See you in a couple days."

He guessed he would be figuring out everything soon enough. He dreaded the moment.


	13. Talking to Luke

Rory waited until Luke had closed down the diner to go downstairs. She helped him with the tables while he cleaned up the kitchen, and when she finished she poured a decaf for herself and sat on the stool in front of the kitchen entrance. When Luke went out he jumped, scared.

"Hi."

"Jeez, you really scared me there. I had forgotten you were here."

"Do you… want to sit down, Luke? I need to talk to you."

Luke nodded and lifted a finger as if asking her to wait. He went to the fridge, grabbed a beer and sat on the stool beside Rory's. "I'm ready now."

"I know you know that I'm pregnant, but I just wanted to tell you myself. I also wanted to tell you myself that I'm keeping it, that I'm going to do this alone – as in Logan-free – and that, well, I think I'm sorting everything out now. In case you were wondering."

"That's great to hear, Rory. Thanks for telling me." He awkwardly got up and hugged her briefly before sitting back. "OK. So is there anything else you need to tell me?"

"I was just wondering if you would like to be on the scaring-Taylor team once the news have been broken. I have a lot of ideas around  _Rosemary's Baby_."

Luke laughed.

"Sure, kiddo. I'd love that. So, are you telling everyone over Christmas?"

"I… I don't want to tell my grandmother yet, not until I've settled papers with Logan. I fear she would throw a tantrum at Mitchum or something. I guess that, once that is settled, not even she would risk their family suing me for breaching a legal agreement. So I won't be joining you over the holidays in Nantucket. I guess mom will fill you in whatever excuse she thinks best for my not going."

"I think that's very sensible. You still don't show it, so I guess you still have a bit of time. What about the town people?"

"Yeah, I'll do that soon, but… I want to tell someone else first."

"Who?"

"Jess."

Luke nodded, understanding, and didn't seem surprised. "He'll really appreciate it. He's been worried for you."

"Luke?" She toyed with her cup's handle. "Do you think… he'll hate me?"

"I… don't really know. But… I don't think he has it in him. The ability to hate you, I mean."

She started crying. "I really hope so. It would kill me if he did."

She didn't see Luke standing up, her eyes were all blurry. He hugged her, less awkwardly this time. "Why don't you tell him that, kiddo? He has a right to know." He broke the hug and looked at her.

"But… I don't think it would be fair to him, since he's now happy and all, and I'm… you know."

"I don't think you have the power to decide what's fair for him, and neither do I. I think he will be the only judge of that. But I still think he would like to know, regardless. He's coming over tomorrow, for Christmas dinner. Did you know?"


	14. Christmas Presents

It was a crisp Christmas morning. Jess feared that snow would slow him down so he left Brooklyn early, but the roads were fine, so he stopped the car in a gas station right outside Stars Hollow to make a bit of time. He didn't want to be too early, and he was a mess. He didn't sleep well. He spent the night trying to fight off images of Rory naked. He had become, over the years, quite good at not masturbating to his wildest dreams. The only problem was that, in order to not do it, he had to forgo masturbation at all. Once he was at it, it was impossible to stop the images from coming in, and he always felt really sad afterwards, because he couldn't have the real thing. But he had given up last night. He considered for some hours not doing so, but then again, he hadn't masturbated  _at all_  lately – after all, Rory was back in his life, and there was no fighting back images at that stage. He accepted, in the end, that if he was to spend the day near her, it was probably safer to get some release. And, since he was doing it purposefully, he didn't fight the images back.

It was amazing what fifteen years of repression could do. It was plain unhealthy. It was  _wrong_. They had such a chemistry, it was sinful to not have it realized in a physical way. It went against nature. And he was very physical, but it was not only that. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to be with someone with such strong feelings, but he was pretty sure it would be life-altering. He was always torn, in his fantasies, between gentle and wild love-making. He wanted to lift her up and enter her against a wall roughly, to really feel her clench around him, to make her come and still have her beg him for more, and then give it to her. He wanted to thrust her doubts away, to make her realize she would never need another one, to spoil her for the rest. He wanted her to see that it was worth it, in the end, to have someone want you so completely and to not be afraid of taking it all in. Although, in a way, he feared the feeling, too. It was undeniably overwhelming. He wondered if she was afraid of that too, if that was the reason they had never been together; if she was simply scared. It was understandable. The feeling was really powerful. He knew that, somehow, she could always see that hunger in him, much as he tried to be gentle while kissing her. And he would also love that, too, being gentle, caressing her with a feather touch, kissing her every nook and cranny, even the most overlooked ones, like her ankles, or the fold behind her knees, or in between her fingers. He wanted to lick her softly, to use nimble fingers to go around and inside her, to hold her close at night, to fall asleep breathing in her neck, her smell all around him. In the end, he was glad he had masturbated - the smallest thought or detail triggered his longing too fast.

He decided it was time to face his fears, but before he carried on he went to the public toilet and splashed his face. He had spent thirty minutes that morning deciding what to wear. He hadn't taken that much time in dressing since high-school – since dating Rory, actually. In the end, he had settled for a snug, dark green merino sweater and a pair of black jeans. The hair just had to be its own way – there was no taming that beast. He accepted that he was as ready as he was ever going to be, as absolutely clueless of the situation as ever, and as deep in as always, so he drove away.

He found Doula sitting at the stairs of the inn. He was really glad he hadn't gotten the presents out of the trunk yet.

"Jess!" she gave him a hug. "You need to come see the reindeers."

She dragged him to the stables. He only realized after a while that they were holding hands all the way. "Hey, cool!"

"Oh, they're just reindeers, Jess: grow up. We just came so I could tell you that your girl is here!"

"You're really mischievous, Doula."

"It's Lorelai's daughter! I hadn't realized! You're almost cousins. It's like super weird."

"That's the smallest of my problems at the moment."

"Cheer up, you look good! Really un-stupid clothes, well done."

He smiled. "Well, your dress is great, too. And I'm very happy you approve of my outfit. It took me ages to decide."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and I'm not proud of it."

"OK, let's go back. No, wait, let's make a plan."

"Alright. What for?"

"Huh… two signals. One to get you out of a situation and one to… I don't know. Two seemed to make more sense. Anything you can think of?"

"The getting out one is fine. I'll… give you two winks." They shook hands. "Let's do this, partner in crime."

"No, wait!" His sister seemed worried.

"What's up, kid?"

"Nothing, just that… Kwan is also here."

Jess kneeled and put a hand on Doula's shoulder. "Doula, you would be the best girlfriend a boy could wish for. Just be yourself. And remember everything about the way he acts and I'll dissect it for you later."

He kissed her and then both headed back to the inn, hand in hand. He was asking her about  _Matilda_  when he suddenly saw Rory, standing alone at the door of the inn. She was smiling shyly at him. Doula let go of his hand.

"We forgot one signal for  _get out_. We'll do… blinking with both eyes!"

And just like that, Doula darted away. Jess approached Rory being very aware of the beating of his heart.

"Hi."

"Hey."

He couldn't tell if she just blushed or if her face had already been flushed from the winter cold. She wore her grey coat open, as if she had been inside and had just put it on to go out shortly. He wondered if she had gotten out just to greet him. She looked really good. She was wearing a loose aquamarine sweater and black skinny jeans with some old trainers, and looked less made up than she did lately, which he liked. The color of the sweater really complemented her eyes. He suddenly realized they hadn't said anything for a while.

"Quick, Gilmore, come give me a hand." She followed him to his car. He got out of the trunk a big bag, and from the glove box a small wrapped-up present. He handed her the bag. "Can you put these under the tree yourself? I don't want Doula to see."

She smiled. "Sure."

"And this one's for you." He handed her the wrapped present.

She looked surprised. "Can I open it?"

"Yeah, I guess it would be pretty lame otherwise."

She didn't even glare at him for the remark, she just left the bag on the ground and unwrapped the bundle happily. "Jess…"

It was an old copy of Oliver Twist. "It's a first Alta edition, not a real first one. Those are hard to come by. But I find the covers of the Alta's to be much prettier."

She looked up and smiled as if she kept a secret. She was definitely blushing. "Thanks. Yours is by the tree. I'll go bring these by the kitchen now." She grabbed the bag and started to walk but then stopped and turned. "Do you think… we can talk? Later? After dinner?"

Jess nodded, and she went through the back. He headed for the main entrance. He would have never confessed it, but he was a bit worried about how everyone would take his presence – after all, he was still town hoodlum to most. But he quickly realized he shouldn't have worried at all. Luke gave him a big hug that was less awkward than usual. His mom was beaming and telling everyone how well his son was doing and how handsome he was. TJ was just… well, TJ, happy to show off his Crocs. Lorelai gave him a quick hug, and smiled to him while thanking him for coming and for the present she had already spotted with her name under the tree. Michel, his husband, Sookie, Jackson and their kids were there, too, and all seemed OK with his presence. It was a relief to have Zach and Lane as well, at least he could start a conversation with them. Well, and there was Ms. Kim, who glared at him as soon as she saw him, and who he avoided as well as he could. He greeted the Van Gerbigs with a small nod and a smile, and they returned it.

"I've been checking everything you recommended, Lane, thank you so much. You know, I had hated  _Heaven or Las Vegas_ back in the day but…" Rory joined them, smiling. He had lost his train of thought completely. OK. Cocteau Twins. He brought back his Mariano blank stare. "Yeah, I've really enjoyed it this time. I'm quite obsessed."

"Really? It was the easter egg of the whole collection, I wanted to check your shoegaze tolerance there. And I didn't go for  _My Bloody Valentine_  or anything harder, I just went with the girliest shoegaze I could think of, to its true dream pop roots. Since you were into strong female leads and all."

For a second, Jess thought Rory was beaming when she turned to hear his reply, just as his mom did earlier showing him off. He thought he was losing it. "Well, I'm a believer now. Not a Bieber fan, just a Cocteau Twins one. It's weird, when I put it on I imagine it would have been Emily Brönte's favorite had she lived now, it's all very dark romantic…" He saw Doula winking at him repeatedly from a corner. Liz was trying to rub a stain off her face and he could tell his sister was mortified. "I need to go, I'm on brother duty."

He went and enquired Liz about her business, distracting her from Doula, but then Liz ran off to ask TJ if he had warned Ms. Whatever that her shipment was delayed. Jess exhaled, relieved that he wouldn't need to bear that conversation, and went back to Doula to check how she was doing, but she strongly closed both eyes. He turned and saw Kwan approaching her and traced back his steps. Someone grabbed him and pushed him behind the stairs. It was Rory.

"What was  _that_?" She was whispering.

"What?" He lowered his voice too, unsure of what was going on. He just knew she was really close to him.

" _That_ , with Doula. She made you a signal. Do you have a code? I saw her winking at you to help her get rid of your mom and then when Kwan approached her she made you a sign. Was it for you to get out? Why did she want you out?"

Damn Gilmore. Wait, had she been spying on him? "I cannot tell you, it's a secret. I can't betray her."

He saw Rory think hard. She was really cute. "I see… No, you can't betray her. Still… OK. You can't tell anyone that I told you. Especially not Lane. We're talking serious stuff here. Like, life-changing stuff. I've never ever done this, and I've done some pretty bad stuff. I hope I'm doing the right thing here… because I'm betraying my friend so that you don't betray your sister, Mariano!"

"What is it? Jeez, the intrigue is killing me."

Rory got close to whisper the answer in his ear. She smelled of a light vanilla conditioner and sweet Rory pheromones. He repressed the urge to grab her and kiss her passionately against the wall and then with a sweep carry her up her stairs to his room, regardless of the audience.

"Kwan is in love with Doula."

He was stunned. He forgot about the kissing. "Are you serious?"

Rory nodded. "Come on! Say something! Did I do right, Mariano?"

She did. She really did. He felt truly happy for the first time in a while. "You know what? You just made my Christmas. She's going to be so happy. Wait, should I tell her? What do you think? Jeez, I suck at this. I told her earlier that I would dissect everything Kwan did and I don't even know if boys still smack the girls they like anymore. Do they? Damn, I'm a terrible matchmaker."

Rory dropped her head to one side, smiling at him. "Oh, don't worry about it. I think you're just perfect."

Had she just said he was perfect? She was blushing again and receding, she sure had realized that what she said had come out different than she expected. Should he kiss her now? He was seriously considering it when Lorelai showed up.

"Come on, it's time to open the presents!"

They all gathered around the tree. The kids went at it first – there was no stopping them. He watched how Doula opened his presents first, and he felt a pang of pride. He had gotten her the whole Roald Dahl collection of children's books, and a Super Mario video game he hadn't spotted at Lane's. He knew she didn't have a Wii at home, but that way she would have an excuse to go play regularly with Kwan.

His mom scolded him. "Jess! You know we don't allow a console at home!"

He looked at Doula, who was staring at him. "Yeah, well, I messed up. I guess I'll return it."

But he winked at Doula when Liz turned her head, and his sister ran between everyone and jumped to gave him a big kiss. The whole party oohed and he was mortified, probably blushing for the first time ever, so he lowered his head. When he brought it up a while after Rory was staring at him, but she also turned her head quickly. He looked around but there was no escape, Lane was nodding and smiling at him from a corner, knowingly. Then it was an opening presents mayhem. Frederick got Lorelai a beautiful scarf that was much better than his husband's scented candle. Michel got really annoyed at Lorelai for not remembering how much she had liked it when the night manager of the Independence Inn had given her the same present once. Unfortunately TJ got Jess some red Crocs, as if he would want to draw attention to himself when wearing them. Liz got him the latest best-seller, which he couldn't have cared less for, but was grateful for the gesture, and Luke and Lorelai got him a beautiful navy jumper.

"You know, this is a present I won't actually return. I really like it. And the size seems OK."

"Well, Lorelai chose it, so there you go."

He kissed his step auntie. "Thanks, Lorelai. Would you mind selecting my present from TJ next year as well?"

She laughed and agreed. "I guess, since we're all a big Croc cult now." She opened his present next, and was shocked.

"I know Rory got it once for you but lost it. I found it in a vintage vinyl store a couple years ago and got it for you. It might be even the same one." It was the Go-Go's vinyl signed by Belinda that Rory forgot in the bus after visiting him in New York.

"I… I don't know what to say. And you've kept it all this time?"

"Well, yeah. You're family, after all. I know we haven't been close but I always thought I could give it to Rory or to Luke so they could give it to you, but then you invited me, so it worked out perfect. Thanks for inviting me."

"Thanks for coming, Jess. You've left me speechless, and that's a first."

Lorelai turned and left and he knew she was going to tell Rory, so he took advantage of the fact that she would not be watching him and looked for her present under the tree. It was definitely a book. He opened it and saw it was Oliver Twist, Alta edition, the exact same one he had gotten her. He was flustered. He got up and turned around. Rory was staring at him from across the room, with a face he thought was probably mirroring his own shock. She turned and left, avoiding his gaze. For perhaps the first time since she went to Philadelphia, he had the feeling that they had a chance. But the memory of the last attempt and the acknowledgement of the depth of his feelings scared him. He was terrified, but also hopeful.

They all moved to the dining room for the feast Sookie had prepared. He felt Rory's gaze on him whenever he was not looking at her. As soon as they finished eating he said goodbye to Doula and left without telling anyone else, headed for the bridge.


	15. Telling Jess

The sunset was near. She headed for the bridge, she had a hunch she would find him there reading, waiting for her. And she had been right. He was arched over a big book, deeply concentrated. She sat beside him, close enough so that their coats would brush if they moved. It was only after she had settled herself that he raised his head and looked at her. His face was blank, but kind. She could tell he was wearing his Jess mask so as to hide his emotions. Which, she didn't know.

"Hi, Gilmore."

"Hi, Dodger." His mouth twitched for a brief second, but he regained his blank face quickly enough. She saw it, though.

"Is the book good?"

He handed it to her. "If you're wondering if I have gone soft over the years and I'm reading a romantic novel as did Doula, let me jump ahead and tell you that it's not."

She looked at him. He was smiling. "No worries, I know it. I haven't read any of them, though."

"I can lend you the first one, if you want. Though this one's better."

"Thanks for the vinyl, Jess."

He looked at her, his face serious. "Thanks for the book. You have good taste."

She doubted. She needed to get going before he was too nice to her and she couldn't finish what she had come to do. "Jess…"

He grabbed the book, put it aside and looked at her. "I'm here."

"I need to tell you something. A lot of things. But I'm really afraid."

"I have to confess that I lied to you the day of the hug. I've been really worried about you. I don't know what it is that you think would be so horrible, but if it's any help, you are doing me a favor by telling me. I don't want to worry anymore."

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"I went to Luke and asked him if you were dying right after seeing you. I was that worried."

Her heart started beating faster. She repressed a sudden urge to cry. It would have been a release to do so, and she didn't deserve a release, or being comforted. But, by stopping herself, she just made her heart beat even faster.

"I'm truly sorry, I… I don't know where to start."

"Can I tell you my theory?" He was trying to make it easier on her. It broke her heart.

"Yeah… I'm really intrigued."

"Like, if it is what I think it is, I don't know why you would be so upset about telling me, but who knows?" He looked at her, curious. "You cannot laugh, you need to promise me." She nodded. "OK… I think… you've become a lesbian and are finally giving your romantic relationship with Paris a shot." She laughed. He was really trying to make it easier for her, and he was succeeding. "Hey, don't laugh! Have you seen you too? You are like the Odd Couple. If it's not that, I can't understand why you've stayed friends for so long."

She totally forgot the reason for the conversation. "So, you wouldn't mind if I became a lesbian?"

She had hit a sore spot. His face went blank again. "OK, I was trying to break the tension with my theory, but that doesn't mean that I'll let you put the focus on me now. We can talk about me some other time."

He wasn't angry but he was dead serious. The nervousness came back. "OK. I'm pregnant."

She saw shock in his face, but he didn't go back to his blank stare, he just looked confused. "And… why would that be bad? Why would it be so hard to tell me? You really scared me there. Is the baby OK? Are you… happy about it?"

She didn't know what to make of his reaction, but she decided that, if she was to do things right, she would need to be sincere regardless of what she believed he thought. "Don't worry, the baby is fine. It's supposed to be the size of a passion fruit now. I don't even know what size that is, like, I don't think I've ever eaten an apple in my life. And… I'm really scared. I actually haven't been happy about it… yet. Which is weird, because I've decided to have it, I just couldn't not to, but the happiness hasn't kicked in. I… I needed to figure out too much stuff and without doing that, I don't think I'll be able to be happy for a while."

He bumped her affectionately. "Congrats, Gilmore. You're going to be a mom. I know you'll be a terrific one."

"I really don't want to cry, but did you know that you've been the only person that has said that to me?" She repressed a sob.

"Hey, I imagine everyone around you is concerned for the same practical reasons as you are, so perhaps they haven't had the chance to see it as something good for the world. I'm just more… detached of the situation. I still don't see why it would be a problem to tell me."

She looked at him and saw him nervous, there were many hidden questions behind his statement. Was that really happening? Was he asking her what was going on with…  _them_?

"I… Can you let me explain some other things before going back to that? And can you not say anything until I'm finished? I let you make it easier for me earlier but I don't want you to do it anymore, I don't deserve it and I feel really guilty about it."

"Ror…"

"Please. Just this once. It's going to be uncomfortable, so if you agree you will need to accept that."

She saw the look of apprehension on his face and doubted if she could go till the end, but he nodded, so she didn't have time to think about it anymore. She exhaled. "I don't like the person I've been these past years. Do you know how I found out I didn't like it? It was the book, really. You pointed the single thing that made sense to me in a really long time. And it's something good, something amazing. And nothing had been, for a really long time. And I realized how I had pretended so. I wanted to believe I was in control but I wasn't and I knew, but just kept on pretending." She stopped. She needed to regain strength for going on. "I've… done things I'm not proud of. Right now you probably think you don't want to hear them but I need to tell you about them because I… OK, I'll leave that for later, I swear I'll tell you why, but I need to do this horrible thing first. The baby is Logan's,  _blonde dick at Yale_ to you. We were cheating on our couples with each other for some years. I decided to quit after I started writing the book but this…" her hands hovered over her belly "…happened, and I think that, if it wasn't for the baby, I wouldn't have had this rude awakening. The book would have made me happy but perhaps I would have messed up sooner or later again, thinking that there were no consequences to my acts. But at least I know that I need to do everything right from now on so I don't become the source of my own unhappiness again. I couldn't stand it. And I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings by my selfishness in the process anymore. Especially those of the ones I care most. I need to become the mother the baby needs." She looked at him and he nodded, understanding. She nodded back and continued. "You know I cheated on Dean with you, what you don't know is that I slept with him soon after you visited me at Yale. He was married. I broke his marriage. I don't think it was going well anyway but I still did. I've made a reckless dent in my trust fund and grandad's inheritance." A single tear fell when she thought about her grandad. "I somehow think he would hate me now for being pregnant and having decided to raise the kid on my own, which I'm going to do, in case you were wondering. But it doesn't matter anymore. I failed to see over the years that I shouldn't have been thinking about the opinions of others when figuring out my life. It was a flawed way of assessing. For my grandparents I was fine as long as I was not dating someone below their status. For Logan I was fine as long as I behaved like a rich heiress. My mom… she has been good. She really calls me on my bullshit. But she stopped doing so after a while. I guess she was worried about losing me as she had done before. Isn't that a horrible thing? That my mom, who's done everything for me, would be worried about losing me for calling my bull? I must really be a horrible person. But even if I look up to her, she has also misconceived things in the past, like she never saw any good in you." She lowered her head. She couldn't look at him for the last part. "I have the feeling that, for you, I'm fine as long as I'm happy and being fair to others. Nothing more. And those are the only standards I will set for myself from now on. And I need to thank you. I haven't done so and that just shows you how selfish I've been." She forced herself to look up. Jess looked like a ghost. "Thank you. For pointing the book to me. And for yelling me about dropping Yale and being angry at my mom. And I'm sorry for what happened in Philadelphia. As much as I've fucked up everything else over the years, I could somehow be fine if I hadn't done that. But I did, and it's only fair that you know that I'm sorry. Well, and for everything else I've told you so far, which is a lot."

She stopped and let him gather his thoughts, if it was even possible. He scratched his head and looked at the pond. "You didn't say why it was so hard to tell me about the pregnancy."

She hesitated. "No, actually."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think that you would need to hear anything else if you hated me for what I just told you."

"But, even if I did, wouldn't it be nice to finish what you have started? You've made it this far."

"OK, I'll tell you: it's just that I didn't want you to think badly about me. I couldn't stand it."

He seemed confused. He was not buying it. "That makes no sense, Ror. There's still another reason behind that."

She was shaking. "I… can't."

"But why?"

"Because… It's not fair."

"You cannot be the judge of everything, Ror. If there's anything that concerns me, I need to know."

She started crying. She had promised herself she wouldn't do that to him. She stood up. He looked up from where he was sitting. He suddenly looked tired and sad. "I… won't be that person anymore, Jess. Not with you. I could never forgive myself. I know you are happy now, and I don't want to mess that. I wish you all the happiness in the world, from the bottom of my heart."

She turned and walked away quickly, hoping that she had done the right thing, but unsure about it. Was Luke right? Did Jess deserve to know, regardless? She heard leaves crushing behind her and his hand on her shoulder. She turned.

"Ror, if that's the only reason why you wouldn't tell me, let me clear it out. I broke up with her."

Her stomach turned. She felt dizzy. "Why? I heard Luke telling my mom a while ago that you were very happy… with her."

"That doesn't matter now. I told you I wouldn't let you put the focus on me yet. Now you know. So tell me – why?"

"I can't. I'm really scared."

"Believe me, I know the feeling. But you'll be forever scared of what's behind the door if you don't open it."

"Did you know? Before you did?"

"As well as you do."

She took a deep breath. "OK. I didn't want to tell you because I was scared that, when I did, I would forever ruin the possibility of us."

She exhaled and looked at Jess. He smiled a very small smile. "And how do you think that would work? Us, I mean."

"I don't know."

He smirked. "I thought you had it all figured out now."

She looked away, shyly. "Well… not all. I didn't want to think about this."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't want to get my hopes high."

"What do you want, Ror?"

"Well you certainly are not trying to make it easier on me now!"

He laughed. She had cracked and he laughed about it. He seemed almost… happy. "Go on, give it a shot, Gilmore. The sky's the limit."

"Please… don't be cruel. I know I haven't been the best, but… you haven't even told me if you hate me and if you do, it really is going to crush me." She lowered her head, embarrassed, but then felt Jess hand close on top of hers.

"I'm sorry. You are right."

She looked up. He was smiling at her, and she recognized the soft look from her fantasies. His hand was shaking a little bit. What was she saying? Was she saying that she wanted to start a relationship with him while being pregnant? Did that equal that she wanted Jess to be the dad? She hadn't allowed herself to think about the possibility of them because she thought it was lost forever, and now it was in front of her, holding her hand. Would he still want to give it another go? She realized that the figuring out was not finished, not by a long shot, but what was sure was that he would need time to process everything before even considering those questions himself. After all, she had confessed some horrible stuff and was pregnant. She wanted to kiss him wildly, but she controlled herself.

"Why don't you… think about everything I've told you and… I'll come up with an answer to your question and then we can… brainstorm together? Believe me, no one else knows better than me how unsuitable I am to be asking anyone out." That had totally slipped her mind.

"Are you asking me out, Ror?"

She felt like running away but quickly decided against it. She decided to be brave instead. "That would be the first part of my answer, for sure. But I can come up with much better things… if the sky is the limit." She blushed but didn't turn her face to hide it.

"OK, Ror. I think it's a sensible plan." He let her hand go, and the separation physically hurt her. "Thanks for telling me. I know better than anyone how hard that was, and I really respect what you did. It is a lot to take in at the moment but I will think about it as quickly as I can. And my first sentiment still stands."

"Which one?" She was confused.

He leaned, and after kissing her on the cheek, he whispered, "Congrats".


	16. Doubts

Conflicting feelings came in waves. Rory wanted to go out with him, and that made him happy. But Rory was pregnant with Logan's baby, and that was a dramatic and complicated twist. Rory had done a brave thing acknowledging her mistakes, and he was proud of her for that. But she had made those mistakes, regardless, and some of them concerned him genuinely. It was true that he had also made mistakes in the past. But when did isolated mistakes become character traits, forever ingrained into someone's personality? Was Rory a serial cheater? He didn't know.

He had always known there was an element of delusion in love. He had loved Rory as nobody else – had he mistaken the feeling with the object of affection? Who was Rory, really? Perhaps he was just better than the rest at seeing her better side, and worse than everyone else when assessing her mistakes. That worried him. He hadn't been by her side when she slept with Dean. Did she actually lose virginity with him? That made him shudder. He hadn't been there when she cheated on poor P., whoever he was, or when she pretended to be a rich heiress. Would he have loved that Rory as well? He wasn't so sure. He would have probably despised her. But she had also acknowledged her mistakes, and in the end, wasn't real love about accepting people as they truly were?

Did he, though? Did he love Rory? Was that the way to tackle the whole situation? Should one really do anything to be with the person they loved? Perhaps not, perhaps one should do whatever was rationally better for oneself. But, could he be happy, moving forward, without giving their feelings a chance? Could he try to go back to Martina and leave things as they were with Rory, forever to wonder what could have happened? What was the choice he would be most comfortable living with for the rest of his life?

The main question was an entirely different one, though. The whole thing was not about of love anymore, or about wanting to be with each other, or about working out all their history, but about something much more complicated – which didn't make the rest of the questions any less hard. He understood perfectly well which question he needed to answer first, and it was if he would be eventually be willing to be the father to Logan's kid. As simple and life-changing as that. After that, he could tackle the rest.

Surprisingly, that question was really easy to answer. Yes, he wouldn't mind. He felt Luke was almost like his father. Rory did, too. How could he deny a kid of a parent on the grounds of genetics? He had been a fatherless child, and couldn't have cared less if his father figure hadn't shot the sperm. Of course it hurt – it hurt like hell. Of course he would like it to be otherwise. But, ultimately, he didn't mind. He  _shouldn't_  mind. He would have not respected himself if he did. He had never seriously considered becoming a parent because he had always wanted to find a life partner first. He did want to become a dad, eventually, and had sometimes thought that, when the moment arrived, adoption would be the way to go – there were too many abandoned kids in need of a parent to be sorry for not fathering a brand new one. The current scenario was perhaps not so different. But figuring out the life partner part was crucial, and he really needed to nail it. Did he want Rory to be the mother of his children? That was a much more serious question, and one he didn't have the answer for. He didn't have any of the answers.

And then, there was a question of strength. Could he stay away from Rory now that he knew she wanted him? Could he stand being in a room alone with her and not kiss her? Could he just walk away because everything was too complicated? He didn't think himself so strong. He settled for letting Rory do the thinking for a bit longer, as she seemed to had gotten better at that. He got his jacket and run up to Lorelai's house early. Rory opened the door still in her pajamas.

"Oh, hi…"

She was really cute with her hair all tousled and her quirky pink and yellow duck print pajamas. He needed to stay focused. She self-consciously felt the top of her head, where her hair was most messy.

"Are you laughing at my PJs?"

"I'm not laughing, I like them."

"I feel like I've been drained of social etiquette in regards to you. Is  _do you want to come in_  acceptable? I really don't know where we're standing."

"I wanted to talk to you really quick. I didn't want to wait because this is so fucking complicated that I think the longer we think alone the craziest everything gets. Still, if you would prefer the privacy of the house," he pointed at Babette's, "that's fine."

"Mmmm… OK, come in."

He followed her to the kitchen. She sat down at the table and he chose the furthest chair, opposite her. "In the spirit of full disclosure, I will warn you though that I'm staying far away from you."

"Why?" She seemed concerned.

"Because we still haven't figured out anything but I  _really_  like those pajamas on you." He saw her blushing furiously. He really liked that too. "I don't want to make it harder on myself. There are things that we need to talk about and I need to keep restraint. It's going to get really complicated otherwise."

"So, tell me."

"Can you see a way out, Ror? Because I can't, for the life of me."

She hesitated. "Do you… want to see a way out?"

"I don't know. There are too many things going on at the same time. I always thought things should be easier."

"Yeah, I know…"

They looked at each other intently. He wanted to jump the table and rip her pajamas off. And they had only been together for two minutes. He was a muddle. "So, what do we do now, Ror?"

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Like, I don't have the answers to all the big questions, but I know some things. I know I don't want to die without having kissed you again. I know I want to know everything about you, for real this time. I know I want you to know me, too. I know I want to know how it feels having you inside me. I know all of that."

It was like a punch on his stomach. He knew those things, too. He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "I want to run right now so this doesn't become the biggest disaster ever. For either of us. But… I can't."

"I'm ready, Jess. To figure everything out."

He raised his head. "Like, now?"

"Yeah, but let's not do it now." She looked at her attire, embarrassed. "But let's, as soon as possible, please. I really need to."

"Why?"

"I understand your doubts, believe me, they're mine, too. I stayed up all night thinking about everything. But I want to work them out. With you. I want to do it together so we can at least try to make a decision that doesn't make the other person unhappy."

He was surprised at how clear she had everything already. "OK."

"Do you want to have dinner with me tonight? I'm inviting. Paying. So it will be casual."

He thought about declining. He seriously considered running away. But he couldn't. "OK. I'll pick you up at 7?"

"Great."

He went to the door, Rory following him close. He stopped. He had to voice his doubts. "I have to say it, Ror."

He turned. They were very close. Rory was standing uncomfortably and, when she saw him looking at her, she crossed her arms in front of her chest – as if he hadn't noticed already she wasn't wearing a bra.

"Shoot."

"I cannot see how this could work. It's like… there are so many things against it. I would first need to know that your mistakes are not who you are. You said some very worrying things yesterday and I'm not naive, I think you still need to tell me some more about why you want this to happen, and it needs to click for me. And there's stuff I need to tell you too, about how I fucked up in the past. I also need to apologize for many things. With everything that you've decided, about the pregnancy and raising the kid alone, why do you even want to try this? I think you're in the right path. From what you've told me, I really think you should do this alone. And I know it's crazy for me to say all of this so soon, but you are not in an easy situation, Ror. There's not room for messing up."

She nodded firmly, and it reassured him. "I promise I will tell you about it later. I have thought about it." He thought he would at least hear her out. "Oh, one other thing. Are you… going back to New York soon?"

He honestly didn't want to, but he didn't want to crash in his mom's couch, and he had checked out of the Dragonfly already. "Like, I don't have to until the New Year, there's no way my writers would want to meet with me in the holiday season, with all those opportunities to drink and revel in family dramas. I thought I would see what we talked about and decide next."

"I was thinking that I could go now and get my stuff from Luke's apartment so you could stay there and I'll stay here." He didn't want to disturb her, but she must have guessed his thoughts because she resumed quickly. "I mean, I was going to, anyway, since Luke and mom went to Nantucket with my grandmother."

"I really appreciate it. Have you heard TJ going on about Crocs?"

"No need to thank me, you have more right to it than I do. And he not only told me, he gave me a pair as Christmas present."

"Jeez, me too. Red ones. I'm telling you, those things are to attraction what garlic is to vampires."

They stood awkwardly in front of the door. He didn't know what to do. Rory fidgeted with her top with her arms still crossed over her chest, avoiding his stare.

"Ror?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't… hate you." Her eyes remained fixed on the ground. He didn't push her to look up. It was also easier for him that way. "Like, do you hate me? For not graduating? For not taking you to prom? For being the worst boyfriend ever? For having left? Because those are things that have haunted me for a long time."

She looked up, perplexed.

"I don't hate you. At all."

"You know, I didn't have the guts, back in the day, to do with you what you did with me yesterday. So… I really admire you. And… I know you've messed up and that you will need to work on that, but… please, don't be so hard on yourself from now on. After all, you are trying to do things right and have realized what you've done with amazing clarity. Some people never even get there. Own it. And the rest I promise we can talk about… without hard feelings."

He wondered if she had looked at things that way, because she seemed shocked. But even after all of her confessions, after all the big questions and doubts, he still believed that he was the one to blame for not being together anymore, so he didn't have the right to be angry at Rory for fucking up. He kissed her quickly on the cheek and left.


	17. A Real Date

Jess showed up at her house at 7:10. She imagined he was giving her extra time to get ready, and she had really needed it in the end, so she appreciated his pretend lateness. They kissed awkwardly on the cheek at the door and then Jess made her a gesture to follow him to the car. They got in.

"Is it actually a car thing? I didn't even think about it."

She nodded. She was really nervous. "Well… we're going to this Italian restaurant in Hartford. It's more  _Godfather_ -y than fancy but it's really good, and they have this private table that I thought would be good for… well, talking. It seems like a place the mafia would close deals in. At first I thought about staying at home because we have serious stuff to go through, but then decided against it."

"We can stay home if you like, it's fine for me. I just want to talk."

"Yeah, well… I don't. I mean, the house seemed too… dangerous."

He nodded, understanding, and started the car. "To Hartford it is, then." He turned on the heater but Rory just took off her scarf. She wanted the big reveal to be in the restaurant. "How does this work, Ror? Is the car like safe ground and we avoid serious stuff here? Since I can't really see your face and all."

She was relieved that he at least looked as nervous as she was. "Yeah, that works." They drove quietly for a while. She imagined he was looking for light subjects to talk about as she was, finding none. She finally broke the silence. "So… wintery weather, huh?"

He laughed. "Jeez, I know. I was dying there trying to come up with something that didn't seem like a minefield. Like, I really wanted to ask about how you are doing with the book but then realized that you haven't said anything about it and decided against it."

"Good call, because it falls in the serious category. But I will talk about it soon. I was planning on it."

"Great, because I really want to hear about it."

"You know what? Your topic works, actually. Jess, are you writing anything these days?"

He smiled. "As a matter of fact, I am. I have been for the last umpteen years. Since  _The Subsect_ , really."

"But you published a short story collection. And I saw they published one of the stories in The New Yorker. I have the number at home. I loved them all. Particularly  _Going Home_."

"I didn't know you had read it."

"I've been regularly googling you these years. I wanted to read more of your stuff."

He smiled. "I feel flattered. I don't think I deserve it."

"You sure do, so don't fish for compliments. So, how is the novel going? You've been at it… what, ten years? That's a lot."

"I know. I guess it's the second novel syndrome or something. It's getting there, though."

"Can I read anything?"

"You could, yeah, soon… Yes, I think I would like you to be a beta reader. Would you be up for that? Would it be weird?"

"Are you serious? I'd love to! I feel like it's my true calling."

"You do? I know I'm getting into muddy waters here, but I had the impression that you were not so into literature anymore. Like, I don't see you carrying books or totally absorbed reading in a corner these days. But when I suggested about the book and you seemed so happy… I don't know. Perhaps I am wrong."

He had noticed. "You're really observant, Mariano. You know, nobody had pointed that out. Not even mom. But you're right. It's one of the things I had lost… along the way. I just realized myself not so long ago. There's a bit of burnout involved as well, like I read so much in Yale and preparing to get in, that it became a sort of obligation, and I hated that books had become that. But not anymore. I miss them."

"To be honest, I get that myself. I've gone full months without reading anything. Except writers' manuscripts, I mean."

"I'm doing a Comparative Literature masters. I'm starting next month."

"Really? That's awesome. Where?"

"In Columbia."

Jess was quiet for a while. "So you'll be in the Big Apple a lot?"

"Yeah."

"That's good." He briefly looked at her and smiled. "So, why?"

"Remember the job at Chilton I was offered? I don't think it's such a bad plan, after all. For a family life, I mean. And I believe I would enjoy myself. So yeah, that's why."

"It sounds like a great plan to me. I mean, you'll be working school hours and the baby will eventually attend school, so… Unless, of course, you decide to raise your kid  _The Wolfpack_ style."

She laughed. "Nah, I think I'll stick to the old, boring schooling system." She remembered a previous car ride with Jess and couldn't help but ask. "Do you think I'll manage? Like, with the kid and the masters and book? I know it's a lot."

"Is this like that Christiane Amanpour thing?" She was happy that he remembered. "Don't worry about it, Ror. You'll be fine. And hey, what if it takes you a bit longer to finish? It's not a timed race." She smiled. "Have you considered telling Chilton about it? Perhaps you can do part-time until you get your masters or something, I'm sure they have people going on leave or sabbaticals all the time."

"Yeah, I'm planning on going there when the holidays are over. We'll see."

They were quiet until they reached Hartford, but it was not so uncomfortable anymore.

* * *

They parked a bit far from the restaurant and walked in silence. When they went in a cheerful Italian old woman brought them to a private room. The restaurant looked stuck in the seventies, and the walls were covered up with black and white pictures of seemingly dodgy people eating there.

"This is awesome, Ror. Totally  _Godfather I_."

She smiled and took off her coat. She had selected a slinky navy blue wrap dress that she hadn't worn since she found out she was pregnant. She still didn't show much, but she did in that dress. She chose it to make it easier on him to decide if it was going to be a problem. She saw him staring.

"You can tell."

"I know… I thought I would let you see so you could decide if it was a problem. Visually or otherwise."

"You look amazing." He looked at her with hunger.

"Thanks… you too."

He did. Under his coat he was wearing a casual grey shirt that really complimented his body. The jeans fit him as good as always. They sat down face to face. Jess made a gesture to speak but the waiter came in ordering drinks, so he stopped himself.

"I'll have a virgin Bloody Mary."

"Me too. And some water."

The waiter left the menus and left.

"You don't have to, I mean, I don't mind if you drink."

"Well, I'm going to drink – a virgin Bloody Mary. It wouldn't be fair that I took the edge off and you couldn't."

She smiled and nodded, quickly changing subject. "Well, I recommend their home lasagna, it's not the typical, it's filled with  _radicchio_  and  _gorgonzola_  and nuts, it's lovely. And the pesto  _gnocchi_  and the  _amatriciana_  pasta are good too." The waiter came in with the drinks. "Can you give us ten minutes? We're not ready to order yet."

"You sure are bossy, Gilmore." He was smiling at her, but she could see he was nervous.

"I… want to get some things out of the way first. I want to tell you what I would like to happen between us. And then I will tell you whatever you need to know and hopefully I will be able to ask you stuff, too." He agreed and she inhaled deeply. "I want us to happen. I know it's not the best time to have arrived to this conclusion but it's the way it is, I cannot undo things. I know… things will get serious soon. Really soon. I've started to show. I'm like a ticking bomb. But I haven't exploded yet. I… share all your doubts. And then have bigger doubts on top of yours. The way I see it, we could go our separate ways knowing that there's something between us that we can't work out. But it's been fifteen years since our paths split up and I don't want to risk not finding you ever again, it would be a huge mistake on my side. I don't think I could live the rest of my life knowing that I had the chance and lost it forever. I don't even think it would be fair on the child, either, to make it the reason for my unhappiness. Especially when I think that, if I took that decision, it would be partly because I'm scared. And I wouldn't expect you to wait for the conditions to be perfect, so… Here's the deal I'm offering. I don't want you to think about the big baby questions yet. They entail finding other stuff about us together first. We don't really know each other anymore. So, let's give us a month. We'll date. And during this month I promise I will answer the big Rory and Jess questions you have. And if, by the end of the month, any of us still thinks trying to figure everything out is not a good idea, we let it go, no hard feelings. I have plan B already mapped out. It's a plan I could live with for the rest of my life and be proud. But l won't close the door to this. At the moment it doesn't clash with any of the decisions I've taken about my life. And if we can't figure it out, I will let you go forever and be happy that we at least had a month together. I'll be fine as long as we are open about everything and you know that I wish you all the best."

She offered her hand for a shake. Jess looked at her hand with a puzzled look on his face. He seemed to be fighting a big war inside him. He finally took her hand softly, without shaking it, and kissed it very softly.

"OK, Ror. But the least I want to do is hurting you. If I ever think I'm about to, I'll disappear."

"You won't. I know you won't. But please, don't ever disappear again."

"But I've done it before. Hurting you." He looked sad.

"And I've hurt you too, and still you're here."

He lowered his head, her hand still on his. "OK. One month. To be honest, I don't think I have the strength to be away from you, especially now that I know you don't want me too."

She pressed his hand. "Me neither. I think… I would break myself trying. Or that I would be reckless. I want to do things right, this is too big. You are in my life anyway, I don't want us to just have sex some day because of this unbelievable tension and then be sorry about it. I want to face this. For some reason I have the feeling that you are a person who thinks outside the box. I know you're true to yourself. At least I want us get to know each other on that level – person to person. For real."

"Me too. I'd love that."

"You're like a soul friend to me, you know? One that I want badly."

"I want to kiss you, right now. And we haven't even figured out anything."

She stared at him. She wanted him to, as well. But it wasn't kissing, not really. Since he took her hand she felt they were not even talking anymore, just making love in any way they could, speaking low, looking into each other's eyes, hands touching. He softly rubbed his thumb on her palm. She closed her eyes automatically. It felt too good. It made her center pulse. It felt like sex. Holding hands suddenly was the most unchaste thing she had ever done. If he carried on she was sure she could reach her release, just with his soft touch. He kept caressing her and she gasped.

"Ror… look at me."

She did. His face was shaken with desire, his mouth slightly open – he was also panting. He put his free hand on the table and placed hers on top, palm up, using his freed fingers to caress her skin from top to bottom. Rory looked how he did it, mesmerized. He changed direction and lightly stroked the fold between her fingers. She moaned. He grabbed her hand, kissed the middle of her palm and placed it on his cheek. She stroked it. He felt warm to her touch. He closed his eyes.

"This is very unhealthy, Ror."

"Jess…"

The waiter came in and they broke contact. She felt as if she had been caught up naked.

"Ready to order?"

Rory was flushed. "I… Yeah, I'll have the lasagna. And we'll share the  _bruschetta_."

"The pesto  _gnocchi_  for me. And a salad."

The waiter left and Rory noticed Jess' smirk.

"I imagined you would like to split." He gave her a small smile. "How about we avoid contact tonight? For a second there I thought I would kill the poor man for interrupting."

It was the last thing she wanted, but she agreed with a nod. "I have an idea about that."

"I'm intrigued."

She must be crazy. She had never ever said anything similar out loud. "It might help at keeping each other at bay. It's just… I've thought about us being together for the first time. A lot. And I have this idea of how I would like it to be…"

"Are you talking kinky stuff, Gilmore?"

She threw her napkin at him. "Very funny." He was enjoying himself, but she was not really angry because he looked really interested. "No, it's just… since I'm pregnant and all, I thought it would be nice for our first time to… do it bare. You know… without a condom."

"I know what bare it means."

She was really embarrassed, but she went on. "So, I've been checked already since I'm pregnant and I haven't been with anybody else… and was… huh… wondering if you wouldn't mind doing the same so we can, you know, do it like that. If we do."

"Have you seriously been thinking about that?"

"Well… yeah. I'd really like to."

He was melting her with his stare. His voice came out low and hoarse. "Fuck, Rory, stop it. Do you know if they do speed checks 24 hours in Hartford? Because that's the hottest thing I've ever been told and I want to throw this table out of the way."

She couldn't stand looking at him. "Don't joke."

"I'm dying with desire here, Rory, but I'm not laughing. I'll force a doctor at gunpoint right now if necessary."

"Good, so… we'll wait so we can do it like that?"

"I'll try, but, honestly? With such build-up, I wouldn't get my hopes high on how much I will last that first time." She laughed and looked at him, but she could tell he was concerned. "I mean it, Ror. I think we should allow, I don't know… like a day for ourselves, or something, so I can be really shitty the first time and then have time to recover until I get used to you or something. This whole thing is putting a huge strain on my masculinity."

"I'd really like that. A day in bed with you. And I wouldn't mind if you didn't last. I know  _I_  won't. I honestly just want you inside me, I don't care about the rest. I nearly came just there, anyway. At least we know caressing works." She smiled to him.

"You're not making the whole waiting thing easy."

"Right back at you, Mariano."

The waiter brought their food and they ate quietly. They stared at each other constantly. Jess swapped plates when he saw she was half-way done with her lasagna, even if he still had more than half his plate, but never offered her the salad. She noticed and knew she would have refused. She left the last piece of bruschetta, even if she really wanted it, and he only took it at the end, with a smile. The waiter came back and she ordered two  _tiramisùs_  because there was no way in hell she was sharing dessert. She went at it with delight.

"So… we can't touch each other, we have avoided conversation during the whole date… I'd say we're pretty unsuited for each other, Gilmore."

She looked up, surprised, but saw Jess with his signature lopsided smirk. She followed the game. "Well… I guess we tried, right?"

"Right, right. I was thinking, though, that I would still like to try a kiss. Just to make sure."

Her heart skipped a beat. "I don't know… wouldn't that be dangerous?"

"At first I thought so, as well. But the more I think about it, the more I believe that perhaps we're getting all worked up for nothing. I mean… perhaps we kiss and we realize that we don't work. It would save us a lot of headaches, don't you think?"

"And how will we be able to stop, Jess?" She wasn't bantering anymore.

"Well, with your wish earlier you've made waiting sound like a reward, so there's that. And I'd still like to talk a bit more before going the whole way, so I think we should be good. Don't fool yourself. You know we were going to be all over each other the minute we stepped out that door."

She had to agree. "OK. So… is that when it's happening? As soon as we leave?"

"It could be. I think the situation will present itself clearly."

"I'm fucking nervous."

He laughed. "If it's any relief, so am I. Come on, let's get out."

They took their coats and paid at the bar. They went outside and both stopped as soon as they were out the door, looking at each other. Jess smiled and grabbed her hand slowly. "Let's walk for a while."

He took the long way to the car, across Bushnell Park. His hand was strong holding hers but his touch wasn't so hard to bear anymore as she was wearing gloves. She stroked his bare hand, thinking that he was probably cold. He looked at her when she did. She smiled.

"You know what?" He shook his head. "Nobody has ever kissed me like you did."

Jess stopped dead in his tracks, turned and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her close. But he didn't kiss her yet, he just placed a warm hand, the one that had been in his pocket, on her cheek, and stroked it softly, looking into her eyes. She mirrored his position, grabbing his waist with one hand and his hair with the other, and once they were perfectly connected, he approached her face very slowly and kissed her.

At first it was slow, just a bare caress of their lips getting reacquainted with each other. But Jess let out a ragged breath and Rory reacted licking his upper lip, and soon both deepened their kiss. The way his tongue felt on her mouth was driving her crazy, and their hold suddenly felt too soft, so she pulled Jess in at the waist. He quickly understood what she needed so he drew her even closer at the waist with both hands while pushing his hips against hers. She moaned and grabbed a fistful of his hair, deepening the kiss. She suddenly hated the coats and clothes that stood between them, and Jess must have felt the same, because he introduced both hands under her coat and clutched her waist. She sighed and kissed him harder. He slowly moved a hand up her waist, feeling her over the dress, and grabbed her on the side, right under her breast, his thumb barely brushing it. He moved the other hand flat around her hip and drew her closer with a slow hip thrust, and she was able to feel him hard against her. She whimpered and he let out a low groan. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers, but didn't move an inch of his body, that was touching hers in every place possible.

"We should stop."

"You stop," she teased.

He looked her in the eyes with an impish smile. "Careful." He caught her mouth and kissed her passionately but briefly, finally pulling away. He gave her a huge grin and she returned a coy smile. "Yeah, it still works."

He grabbed her hand and guided her to the car, and she was grateful that he had had the presence of mind to stop because she was so aroused she was disoriented. They got in the car and Jess exhaled before putting the keys in the contact, but didn't start the car.

"Ror, come here." He caressed her face and drew her in gently, and then gave her a soft wet kiss.

She stroke the back of his neck. "Are we good to move on?"

"I guess… we could try next stage."

He drove her home, placing his hand on her thigh whenever he had the chance.


	18. On Friendship

Was he mad to be giving it a go? He tried to judge himself as a bystander, imagining what he would say to a friend in his situation – and he didn't like being on the receiving end of that particular piece of advice. What were they doing? Were they just settling for a passionate month together if things didn't work out? He agreed with Rory in some aspects, though, as illogical as it all seemed. A month was not so bad. They could learn something about each other in the way. He thought he could actually live with that. Yeah, at least he would have tried. And then, some of the things Rory said stroke a chord with him, a really meaningful one. They were, in a way, still characters in their own novel. They wanted to know each other at a deeper level, regardless of how bad the situation seemed. They had known the worst side of each other, and still they were there, wanting to learn more, to feel more, to become better. She called him a soul friend. He loved that. He  _felt_  that. Was that what their real connection was, and why it had endured the test of time? He also saw their relationship as a soul one, regardless of where life would take them - probably where they would need to go, even if not together. He didn't have a problem settling for something like that. It occurred to him that perhaps it was the only true way to tackle relationships. But he still wasn't ready to go separate ways with Rory – he wanted to live more things, to get to know Rory better, to enjoy whatever precious time they still had together. He rang her early in the morning.

"Hey."

"Hi." She seemed shy.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, actually. Better than in months."

"Did you think about me?"

She laughed on the other side. "Yeah. It worked really well."

" _It_  did? You mean  _me_? So what, I used to not work well before?" he regretted having that conversation on the phone, he wanted to see her. "Wait, don't tell me. Would you tell me to my face?"

"I… could try. Later?"

"I actually need to be in the city today. A writer had a sudden inspiration and wants to share something. And I need to do some other stuff. But, are you working tomorrow?"

"No, today."

"OK, so what do you think about coming to Brooklyn?"

She was slow in replying. "For how long?"

"When do you need to be back?"

"Uhm… Friday evening. I'm opening the diner on Saturday and working there until Luke and my mom arrive. And then… it's New Year's Eve"

"Good, then. Pack your bags."

"Wait! I haven't agreed yet. How will that work? Am I staying with you?"

"Sure."

"Are you mad? Have you been castrated?"

He laughed. "I'll be there around noon tomorrow. If you don't want to go, that's fine, but I think you owe me a road trip, even if it's a short one."

"Somehow I feel your road trips are one-way tickets to your bed."

"Ouch! But yeah. We'll talk later?"

* * *

She rang him when she closed the diner. They had texted during the day, talking about light stuff. Jess' writer, who had previously published a decent realistic novel, had appeared with a 500 pages long manuscript for a fantasy novel, hailing it as the next  _Game of Thrones_. Kirk had gone to the bookstore to return his present for Lulu, which had really upset Rory - it was the  _Kamasutra for Dummies_.

"I need to know everything about that book. Like, have they removed all the cool stuff and just left the plain stuff everyone already does, like the missionary?"

She giggled. "Yeah, that and woman-on-top! And then I not only had to picture Kirk with Lulu, but I had to pity him for his poor knowledge. I feel really weird now. Is it bad that I pity him? I tried to recommend something else but he wouldn't hear anything about it."

"You must really care for him."

She doubted. "Yeah, I actually do. The world would be a much simpler place without him. It would be like losing quantum mechanics."

He smiled. He remembered how she had taken care of Kirk the day before Lorelai and Luke's wedding. He liked that Rory. "I'm glad he returned the book, though. Can I get it?"

"I… don't think so. I mean, Andrew would know I got it. And then I have a hunch that you don't need it."

"But, how can you know? I mean, knowledge never hurt anyone! I might have been carrying myself wrong all these years. I might need it."

She snorted. "So, tell me about that fantasy novel. Have you managed to read anything yet?"

"Yeah, I did, he seemed so proud of it. I was ready to hate it, but the first chapter was not half bad. But the names, Ror… Ugh. We need to have a serious conversation about them."

"Are they bad?"

"They are beyond bad.  _Antanaranella_.  _Hildemunth_. And then fucking Jake! How in the world can Jake be in love with a  _Hildemunth_? The things I need to edit sometimes amaze me."

"Yeah? Do you get like really good stuff that has blatant mistakes sometimes?"

"Nah, not really. If it's good the writer has usually a certain control over everything. It's mostly stuff that is hard to understand, or points that don't come across as the writer would want to. And then really long arguments about changing that stuff. But usually if the writer is good the standards are up to a minimum. This guy though… I think he's doing drugs or something."

"So… what are you doing now?"

"I'm talking to you. What are  _you_  doing?"

"Ha ha, very funny. I just wanted to picture you on the other side of the line."

"I'm sitting on the couch. But we don't need to do this, you know? Like you could actually see me here tomorrow."

"Yeah… I'll really like that."

"So, is that a yes?"

"I think so."

"Great. I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too."

"Are you nervous? I know I am."

She hesitated. "Yeah."

"Are you excited, though?"

"Are you, Jess?"

"I'm not embarrassed for answering that one first – I am. I had always wanted to spend more time with you. I'm really looking forward to the drive, for example. We could stop for ice cream on a cone. And I'll convince you that you are the one making the music selection when, in the end, I'll skip everything until I get to the stuff I like." She laughed. "So?"

"So, what?"

"Aren't you excited, Ror? Come on, give me something to work with!"

"Yes, Jess, I'm very excited. I haven't been this excited… ever. And scared. But definitely excited."

"What are you scared of?"

She was quiet on the other side. "You know."

"Maybe I don't. Perhaps you'll be less scared if you say it out loud."

"I'm not sure about that."

He didn't want to push her, and surprisingly, he felt comfortable talking to her, so he decided he would do the talking. "You know what? I've been thinking a lot about some of the things you said yesterday. You called me your soul friend. Did you really mean it?"

He imagined her blushing on the other side. "Of course."

"I consider you my soul friend, too, Ror. Like, I always did, but I guess I never thought back in the day that we would need to talk about it to  _be it_ , you know? But I think I was an idiot. I like talking to you. I like telling you stuff and you telling me, even if it's not easy. So what I mean is that you can tell me or you can't, whatever you feel like, and I'll respect either choice, but if you do – I'll definitely like it. I'm saying just so you know."

She exhaled. "I'm worried that we won't work… in bed."

"I know what you mean. It's been too long. I'm fucking scared, too. It doesn't seem real, in a way."

"I'm also worried about working too well, you know? It's all really overwhelming."

"Let's make a deal. No pressure. Let's just have fun, and if it turns out we're shit at it, we'll laugh about it together, which will also be fun. At least we'll still be friends. That's very important to me."

"OK. Let's do that."

"But then you can't go tell your friends how shitty I was, promise me. And especially not your mom."

She laughed. "OK. I promise."

"Done deal. So, I'll see you tomorrow at 12?"


	19. A Short Road Trip

It took her the whole morning to get ready. She first showered and shaved carefully, going over the same spots repeatedly so as not to leave any patches. She didn't even know if they would be having sex yet, but she could imagine that the stuff Jess had to do the previous day had something to do with getting checked – she just hoped no doctors were harmed in his fervor. Since she had lost her underwear box she only had plain underwear, and reluctantly settled for a very simple black cotton combination. And then she fretted over clothes. She considered dresses and skirts, but finally decided on a plain cotton shirt and jeans - she didn't want to feel too formal. He arrived to her house at noon. She opened the door slowly and only half-way.

"Are you sure you want to come in?"

"Quick, Gilmore. There's prying eyes."

She let him in and stood puzzled. He smiled and grabbed her face with both hands, kissing her with force. She stood confused at first but gave in quickly, grabbing the hair at the base of his neck with both hands and kissing back with the same hunger. He lowered his hands, tracing her body, until he reached her hips and lifted her. She closed her legs around him and he pushed her against the wall, thrusting against her center. She moaned, and he rubbed against her harder, making her whimper.

"I love how you sound, I had never heard it. I want to hear more." He thrusted again and got the sound he was looking for. He nuzzled her neck and then looked at her.

"What has gotten into you?" She was bewildered.

He shrugged and smiled. "I'm just happy for the trip."

She looked in his face and liked what she found, so she grinned and petted his face tenderly. "You are special. Wild, but special."

He gave her a quick kiss on the mouth. "Then come to the wild side before I tear your mom's house down. Your doctor papers are in the car."

He put her down gently and went to her room to grab her bag. He got a water bottle and a couple bananas, throwing one at Rory. "You should eat some real food, Gilmore. I don't want you collapsing after all the kissing and talking we are going to do. You seem really wobbly after I kiss you."

She put her hair behind her ear and blushed, lowering her head.

"I'm sorry, am I going too fast?"

She shook her head. "No, it's funny… I always thought you would be like this, you know? In my fantasies. I could always tell you were restraining yourself. I wanted to know that part of you. Thanks for showing me." She gave him a shy smile.

"But…"

"But nothing. I'm scared, but I knew that already. I guess it's a side of the coin of wanting you so much."

He kissed her on the cheek. "If it's any consolation, it's the same for me with you. Are you sure you want to go?"

She nodded and grabbed her coat.

"Rory?" She turned. "I've… never been totally like this with anyone. So… you're right. I'm a bit wild. I'm not used to it. I'll try to be less wild."

"I've never been like this either and… you're exactly like I pictured you in my dreams. That's why you are you. I wouldn't want you to hold back."

* * *

They talked about music and books. Rory agreed to the banana in exchange of stocking up on Pringles. They stopped for burgers and ice cream on a cone. They bantered like in the old times. Rory enjoyed herself truly for the first time since she found out she was pregnant.

"So… how is it, Ror? Can we talk about it?"

"About what?"

"Being pregnant. How is it? I won't ever be pregnant. I'm curious."

She doubted about going that path, but she could see he was honestly curious. Was that what getting to know each other meant? She decided to give it a go. "It's… fucking weird. There's a baby growing inside me. Inside me! Can you imagine? I feel like that  _Total Recall_  alien. At least I stopped puking."

"Thank god. I'm one of those people, you know. I puke empathically. So, can you feel it?"

She laughed. Jess seemed really interested and not at all weirded out. She didn't know if it was wise to be talking about it, but it felt right, so she just let it flow. "I did, yeah, a while back. It was very weird, not like moving, but like a flutter towards my womb but from the inside. I don't even think you could start to grasp what it means to feel something fluttering in your womb."

"OK, explain then."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I find it fascinating. I couldn't ask my mom when she was pregnant with Doula, she was all hippy about it,  _everything is amazing_  and  _angels come and kiss the baby out of you._  I was just assessing there if you were as deranged as she was, but your  _Total Recall_  reference proved me that you still keep a grip on reality, so go on. I'm really enjoying this. Tell me everything."

She couldn't believe how he could be such a stud and so sweet at the same time. She really liked open Jess. She more than liked him. "OK, so… are you sure? Are you sure you're not weirded out by girl stuff?"

"What do you mean? Like periods and stuff?"

"Yeah."

"Like, I am, a bit, mainly because I feel at the same time bad for and jealous of the cards you've been dealt, but I won't faint. Like I wouldn't mind if I saw your blood or anything."

"What?" She was shocked. She had never ever met anyone like Jess, who wanted to know her every facet. She was fascinated by him. She wanted them to talk about everything and had a sudden glimpse of eternity, of sharing every single detail of life.

"I'm sorry! Is that weird? But I wouldn't! Like it's natural, I don't know."

"OK… You asked for it. So, yeah, wombs. That's…"

"I know what a womb is, Rory. It's the primordial place I strive to get to when pushing."

"Hey!"

He laughed. He seemed very relaxed. She realized she had never seen relaxed Jess. Even his shoulders were relaxed. He looked amazing. "OK, back to wombs. So, how was the flutter?"

"You see, the only times I had felt it was either being really clumsy putting a tampax, like it's very sensitive those days…"

"…Like breasts?"

"Yeah, I guess, and with some… hum, primordial pushing." She moved away from reminiscing about anyone else's primordial pushing as quickly as she could. "It's not pain, necessarily, or pleasure, either, it's just… tenderness. I don't know."

"So length really doesn't matter, then, since there's nothing to tickle there?" She laughed, but avoided making any comments. "Hey, don't be afraid! I'm well endowed, you won't have complaints there." He turned to look at her. She hated how he could make her blush at will.

"Dear girlfriend, I'm really freaked out. I don't know if you want to talk about girl stuff or get in my panties."

"Get in your panties, for sure. So, the fluttering was like a clumsy tampax but from the other side, right?"

"Yeah. But more like soft fingers, well… fluttering."

"Like mine?"

"Maybe… " He could be so cocky. She carried on, she didn't want to feed the beast. "So, anyway, I told the doctor and he told me there was no way I was feeling it yet. Then I asked Lane and she told me that she totally did early on and that her doctor had told her it was normal, so I'm changing doctors. I hate it when doctors dismiss your concerns as crazy stuff, and that was my fucking obstetrician! Like I'm going to get really crazy, he should have been more gracious about it. And I totally get what you say about hippy moms, I still haven't felt that  _it's a beautiful miracle_ feeling. I have a hunch it's all a paternalistic ruse to make us submissive when pregnant to contain our crazy hormones."

"I wish I could carry it for you. Are you scared?"

"Brutally scared. But I try not to think about it. I hope the miraculous feeling will kick in at some stage, hopefully before it gets bloody, or shortly after."

"Did you consider… not having it? Forget I said that, it was rude for me to ask."

She actually didn't mind. She wanted to share everything with him. "No, it's fine. I… did. I always thought that if something like this happened, in this situation I mean, like not planned, I would. I even went to the clinic to get info. It's funny, I just… couldn't."

"Well, I imagine it's not something one does happily, and it's good that you had the choice to decide what was right for you. Not that I have a fucking clue in the matter. I'm just mansplaining things to myself here, not to you."

"Are you training for Doula's teenage years?"

"You know what? In a way, yeah. Like a feel responsible, especially since I cannot imagine TJ being very good about these things. I just don't want her to have no one to go if things go bad with her like… well, with me, back in the day." Rory burst out crying. "Ror, what's wrong?" There was an exit to a gas station and he took it. He pulled up the car and hugged her. "Hey, I'm here, did I say anything wrong?"

He was an idiot. He was a complete idiot. He was perfect and he still thought he had screwed up. "You? You are amazing, how could you think that?"

"Then why are you crying?"

"I'm so sorry! I'm sorry you had to go through everything alone and you had no one, and that everyone was so unsympathetic and even if you were a punk the adults around you were worse! They should have known better! They should have been there for you!"

She felt him wipe her tears and kiss her on the cheeks once, twice, and then kiss her mouth until she stopped crying. She didn't want him to hold her anymore, she wanted to hold  _him_ , to tell  _him_  that everything was going to be alright. She needed him to know that she was there for him. She took her belt off and climbed to straddle him awkwardly, and started kissing him hard. He seemed confused but grabbed her waist after a while. She wanted to grind against him, but there was no way to do it in the car seat. She settled for tracing his chest and arms with her hands.

"Ror, stop, you're driving me crazy, and we won't make it very far if we end up in the police station."

She slowly stopped and went back to her seat. "Sorry. Pregnant meltdown."

"I love your pregnant meltdowns, don't be sorry. Horny seems to be always in the equation, so it works for me. Here, have a cookie." She smiled. He was beyond good. He shifted on his seat uncomfortably. "I just need to calm down for a little bit before leaving." She leaned on the seat and smiled to him. "Don't put that Rory face or we'll be here till midnight. Hey, why don't you show me your infamous Rory stare? I still haven't seen it."


	20. Telling Rory

Jess' apartment was ten blocks away from where she used to live. She wondered what life could have been like if she had met him there some day, if she could have stopped everything from turning out the way it did. But, in a way, she had a hunch it had not been so bad, after all.

The apartment was in the top floor of an old two-storey building. It had high ceilings and big windows, and it was remodeled as an open space, which made it feel bigger than it was. It kept some old industrial elements like metal beams, and was minimally decorated except for the wooden bookshelves all over. One of them served as a separating wall for the main bedroom.

"Wow. It's beautiful. I love it. It suits you."

Jess was glowing. She could tell he was proud of what he had achieved and she was proud for him. "I'm glad you like it. The lease it's not bad since I refurbished it and they agreed to a long term contract. I did most of the stuff myself with Luke's help – there was no way he would allow me to hire anyone, or I afford it. Shall I give you the tour?" She nodded and he grabbed her hand. "This is the kitchen that gave me this scar." He pointed his hand. "I was stubborn and thought I could rip the old cabinets off with Bob the Builder tools. I learnt the lesson the hard way."

"Poor you." She kissed his hand.

"So… yeah, that's the couch that hit my balls, poor me, huh?"

She punched him in the arm. "As if I was going to fall for that one."

"Oh, but you will." He winked at her but he was just teasing her, she could tell he had no intention of finishing the tour. "That's my beloved faucet. You turn the hot water from the right tap because I'm an idiot." She was loving the Mariano way of giving tours, and she was loving picturing him in DIY mode, getting angry at inanimate objects. "Hey, come see the bathroom, I put all those fucking tiles myself. And the hot water is turned the wrong way as well here, in all faucets really, just so you know. I figured it would make everything cohesive, since I had messed up already."

"Makes sense."

"That's my writing table full of my embarrassing clutter."

She made a gesture as if asking if she could check it out and he nodded. It was an old wooden desk, one that she could picture being sold at Kim's Antiques. It had what were probably writers manuscripts all over. They were all scribbled in the margins, as he would do back in the day with any book. She smiled. He had found a way to do what he was best at. "I can really picture you here." She looked around the living room, trying to appraise quickly if a second desk could fit. She felt him grab her face and kiss her, and he was smiling when they parted. "What about the bookshelves?"

"I had them all made by this really cool old carpenter across the street. Turned out he's a poet in his spare time so we now edit James Carpenter's poems in exchange of my beautiful wooden shelves, and the ones in the office."

"No way! And his pen name is James Carpenter?"

"It's actually his fucking real name. He's such a character. And he's not half bad at poetry, I'm telling you, but Chris is the one that's in charge of that, I really suck at it, so who knows. Perhaps I just love my shelves too much." He moved to the window. His attention shifted quickly. She wondered if, on top of having been a gifted kid, he had been hyperactive as well. "If you look out that window there's the shared garden. The tenants downstairs are this cool quiet gay couple, they're chill, but it's a sort of tacit agreement that I don't use the garden but keep the use of the terrace for myself. I'll show you later." He opened a door to a very messy guest room. "That's were I keep the corpses and where the guys stay when they come over." He closed the door and turned around the separating wall. "And that's my bed."

It had fluffy pillows and a cream duvet with a brown throw on top. It looked really cozy. "It's a cool bed."

"Shhh… can you hear it?"

"What?"

"It says  _come, Rory, come_." She punched him again, and he kissed her quickly on the lips. "So, do you want to wrap yourself up and head out? There's this place nearby that has a very nice heated beer garden, we could go there to talk."

He took her hand. "So there is going to be talking, then?"

"Not if we don't get out."

* * *

"Tell me again why we don't stay inside?"

"I swear it's warmer out, you'll see."

It actually was, and since it was early there was no one. It was the perfect place for talking. They ordered some decaf coffee and pie, and cozied up together under a blanket, sitting side by side.

"So, why don't you have a go today?"

She really wanted to, so she was quick to oblige. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You don't beat around the bushes, do you?" he rubbed her hand nervously. "I messed up. The day of Kyle's party I went to buy the tickets for prom and they told me I was not graduating. Like I passed the exams and everything but I had missed too many classes and they wouldn't even let me buy the tickets. Luke had told me that if I didn't graduate I would have to leave. And then my dad showed up, and I thought perhaps I could crash there because I had literally nowhere to go." She could tell he was having a really bad time. "I… was a chicken. I didn't want to tell you that I had fucked up because I knew you were the only person in the world that supported me and I didn't want to fail you, I couldn't stand it. It's not because I thought you wouldn't have understood, you know? It's just that I thought I would never forgive myself if I failed you. Turns out I failed you anyway and then I couldn't forgive myself all the same." She rubbed his hand and kissed him on the cheek. "Well, yeah. And then I was cocky, you know? I thought I was being like a literary character in one of the beat novels we used to read, and that I would, you know, get out of there and get better to be worthy of you, and that you would understand and that we would find each other eventually, because, to me, we were like the characters of the most amazing novel ever, you truly were my heroine. I really thought it would be like that. If I had thought for a moment that any of this would happen I would have done differently. But turns out that we didn't, and you don't even need to feel bad about anything that happened later between us because I was the one that messed up forever. I'm very sorry, Ror. You don't know how much I've missed you."

She knew, she knew very well. She started crying and she felt Jess squeeze her hand, but he didn't kiss her, because he was crying too. She hugged him and they both cried silently on each other's shoulder. After a while they separated and Jess gave her a shy smile.

"And why did you run? When you came back?"

"Because everyone told me how you had moved on and then I realized I had fucked up. And I was in a pretty bad place then."

She hesitated for a moment. "So, why did you tell me that you loved me?"

"Because you confronted me and it was the only thing on my mind all the time so I just blurted it out."

"And why did you drove away?"

"Because it didn't matter that I loved you. I still was a mess and you had moved on. I needed to get my shit together."

"And when you came to Yale? You had your shit together, then?"

He huffed. "Well… Please don't laugh. It's not that I was much better personally, but I was pretty desperate about having lost you. Like, I drove away and then had time to think about it and realized how final my mess-up had been. Then I went to Stars Hollow for Liz's wedding and I sort of made my peace with the part of me that was angry at my mom, and Luke and I fixed things and I… got some self-help books." She couldn't believe what Jess Mariano was confessing. " _Learn to love_  and stuff like that, and I read them all and made the exercises and everything, and then went to visit you and threw everything I had read out the window and made a fool of myself at Yale. I still thought I knew better. I'm quite cocky, you know."

"I'm speechless." She couldn't believe what Jess Mariano was confessing. She really admired him.

"I'm not surprised."

"I… would have said yes. If you had been… less explosive about everything, or if you had explained yourself, I would have probably come."

"I saw you with Dean and I was reckless. I still think it was better that you didn't, though. I hadn't learnt my lesson yet."

"But in Philadelphia…"

He looked sad. "Yeah. I think we would have been fine then. At least concerning me. Do you hate me?"

She looked up and shook her head. "I think I understand everything. And I think you were right all along, Jess. I sort of saw us like novel characters, too, but I made myself forget about it because it hurt too much. And I don't think it was only you who needed to go through everything. Like, I won't say you didn't fuck up regarding me, because you did, but I see it in the light of everything that has happened recently, and I don't think I could have understood and be here without having gone though the same. Like I don't think there could have been real forgiveness without understanding, does that make sense?"

"Yeah… I hadn't really thought about it that way."

"For the book… I've revised everything. In my past. And at first I avoided you like the plague. Can you imagine? Like a sorted Logan pretty quickly, even with the baby stuff, but kept avoiding going back to your chapter. And then… it doesn't matter."

He grabbed her face and made her look at him. "There's nothing you can tell me that would be bad, even if it hurts. Please tell me."

"But it's not bad… it's just hard. To talk about it." She breathed. "I had a talk with my mom, when figuring out stuff. She kept on telling me she had spoilt me for having set the example of having Luke always in her life and going from man to man and not realizing that Luke was  _it_  for her all along, and that thank god that I wasn't like her. I had just told her that I didn't want to be with Logan. And then she rang Luke and he was with you. I went to bed and started thinking about us, about how amazing you were about the book and how you always got me and how… good you looked and… I masturbated." She was really embarrassed but she went on. She realized that she had never been so outspoken about her true feelings in her life, not without having to adjust her discourse for the other person, and she felt good. It was an awakening. "I hadn't done it since you left. I was a bit traumatized after that time because when I came I started crying and I was awful for a really long time, and it took me a lot to bottle up those feelings. I really wanted to, though, when you told me you loved me, or when you came to my grandparents', but I didn't because I knew that, if I did, I would open the pandora box. Anyway I did the day Luke visited you, and sure, just like the last time, as soon as I came I started crying and it all flooded out and I realized what you meant for me and, well, that's a bit of the reason for the meltdown in the library. Well, and because you looked hot and were amazing with Doula. And I knew you were with someone and I'm pregnant and that's the moment I decided I would let you go, because I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it. I wouldn't want to harm you in any way… like I did with the rest. You deserve to be happy. I still think about it that way, you know?"

Jess seemed amazed. He started stroking her face as if he couldn't believe Rory was real, and then kissed her, softly at first, but then passionately, unable to repress a moan. She kissed him back, wishing that their stars could finally align. She wondered if their feelings would have time to be rekindled as renewed, whole people.

"Tell me, Ror. Tell me what you think about when you masturbate, so I can do it to you."

She felt her core beating. He was stroking her neck and planting light kisses all over her face. "I… I'm always split between rough fantasies and gentle ones." She couldn't believe she had said that out loud. He grabbed her waist strongly.

"Me too… it's always the same. I want it all. And… I couldn't masturbate thinking about you, either. I would always be destroyed afterwards." She couldn't believe it. Her inside was on fire. "Did you think about me, Ror, when… we were together?" He was looking at her with lust. She thought she couldn't take it.

"Yeah… I was really afraid you would be able to tell. But I always thought… you would be the first."

He placed his forehead on hers."And… are you ready now?"

She was scared. She was burning. She was ready. "Yes."


	21. Release

They climbed up the stairs hand in hand, giving each other shy looks, giddy with anticipation. As soon as they crossed the door the apartment felt heavy, and they were slow to warm up to each other, respectful of what was going to happen between them. They didn't turn on the lights, the gleam of the city at dusk being soft and warm as candlelight. They took each other's hands and kissed lightly, their bodies not touching; it was just their hands caressing slowly. They intertwined their fingers and they kissed a little deeper, and for a while their tongues and lips were the whole focus. At some point Rory sighed, the touch of Jess' lips too long missed. He lifted his hand and caressed her face. She traced her way up his arms and grabbed them tight, but it didn't seem tight enough, so she drew closer to him. Jess gasped when he felt her clothes barely brushing his. He moved his hand away from her face and she whimpered when she lost his touch, but he had to do it. He took Rory's coat off and then his. They dropped on the floor with a thud, already forgotten. Since they had completely lost contact they felt shy again, their heaviest layer of protection removed. He grabbed her hand and kissed her softly. He guided her to his room but they resumed their kissing as they had done before, standing up beside the bed, afraid of moving too fast too soon. Jess placed his hand on the back of her neck and drew her in to deepen his kiss. She grabbed his hips and pulled him close and he reciprocated grinding softly, sideways, against her. She felt him hard, and whimpered, and he smiled against her lips before licking them and brushing his tongue against hers. She retraced the path back to his arms but then kept on, feeling the muscles on his chest down to his stomach. He lowered his head and kissed her neck softly until she moaned, and then opened the top button of her shirt to kiss her collarbone. He felt her shudder when he undid that button, so he moved away for the time being, he didn't want to rush things. But she too wanted to get rid of clothes and started undoing his shirt, anxious to touch his bare skin. He stopped all action to be able to watch her do it. She did it slowly but with a sure hand, her nimble fingers brushing his skin fleetingly, until she reached the final button. His shirt lay half opened and she felt the revealed space with one hand, top to bottom, until she reached the path of hair that went beyond his pants. He kissed her grabbing a fistful of her hair, then, both her hands resting on his chest, feeling him breath heavily. She broke the kiss after a short while so she could move on discovering him, his skin burning her hand. She brushed his shirt past his shoulders and let it fall on the floor, letting out a ragged breath. For a moment he felt exposed, but then saw Rory's face in awe, and then she felt her fingers tracing his muscles, his nipples, his stomach, as if he was trying to read him. He wanted more badly, he wanted to be able to see and feel her skin with his hands as she was doing, and then press against her delicate skin, but he went about it differently and sunk slowly to his knees to overcome the awkwardest moment quickly, getting rid of that uncomfortable piece of clothing that was pants. He looked up before proceeding to make sure she was OK with it. She gave him an encouraging smile while taking her sneakers off. He undid the button and zipper of her pants and took them off, and then her socks, and quickly stood up again, because he didn't want to be so far from her mouth so soon. He encircled his arms around her to kiss her, careful so as not to brush his rough jeans against her soft skin. He kissed her neck and smelled her deeply, and stood there while his hand traveled up her waist and over her shirt. He wanted to feel Rory's breasts in every possible way before getting rid of all the layers. He closed his eyes against her neck and his hand against her breast. She was wearing a padless bra and he loved the feeling, because beneath her clothes he could feel her nipple hardening. He needed to get rid of the shirt. He undid her buttons less gracefully that she had done, but was surprised when he took her shirt off, because he didn't settle his look in her simple black cotton bra and panties, trying to make out what was behind them. No, his gaze settled in her stomach, in her tiny little bump. He felt her shudder and looked up. She looked afraid.

"Ror…" He said her name but was saying something else entirely.

She hesitated. "Say… say something. Do you hate it?"

At first he didn't understand the question – it didn't belong there, in the perfect bubble they were creating. But then it dawned on him that she had probably been afraid, not only about everything else that was happening between them, but about how he would react in that exact moment. "Can… I?"

She didn't understand the question, as if it was too perfect for her imperfect self, as if it couldn't be. So she forgot about words and their meaning and just focused on him, who was gazing at her longingly. She was terrified, but she nodded. His hand traveled down between her breasts until he reached her belly, and then caressed it softly, and it didn't make sense, because she felt suddenly happy about everything, and nothing, not even the pregnancy, was left out. She started crying and he hushed her, grabbing her face with both hands, kissing her everywhere, licking her tears, but that only made her cry more. He was not put out by her tears; on the contrary, that was Rory being whole, with her desire and her fears, and she was letting herself go for him to hold her. He wanted it all – he wanted her doubts to wipe them, her fears to shoo them, and he wanted to kiss her belly so she would know that he considered that part of her too, that it was fine if they didn't talk about what it would happen for a while, but that he hadn't erased that space from what Rory was, that he still wanted to know her all. He moved away from her face and sat down on the bed. He grabbed her hips and pulled her to him. She kept on crying, but he didn't mind – he knew she would be fine when she knew, and so he rubbed his face against her belly, and kissed it, and caressed, and then he felt her hands on his hair, gently stroking him, and he didn't hear tears anymore. He looked up and saw her look at him in a way he had never seen.

"You're so beautiful, Ror."

She smiled, glowing, and touched his face, beckoning him up. She kissed him hard and he embraced her strongly, wanting to be as close as possible, but his pants were still in the way so he undid his buttons and got rid of them, and of the sneakers and the socks too. He then went back to their embrace, letting his hardness brush her forcefully now that there was no rough fabric in the way, and she embraced him hard too, wanting to feel every inch of skin available to her. He caressed her face and broke the kiss slowly, grabbed her hand and motioned her to lie on the bed. He then lay down beside her and kissed her while caressing her body from her legs up to her face.

They slowly adjusted their positions until they were on the middle of the bed. They never broke their kiss, holding each other close and grinding against each other, wanting more. Jess rolled Rory so she would be on her back, his body flush on her side, and started feeling her breasts on top of her bra. He was torn between looking how he grabbed them and looking at her, so he hoisted himself up, resting his weight on his forearm. He kissed her while he kept massaging her breast, and she moaned, she never stopped moaning, it was amazing that he could do that to her. She was making him so hard that he was having trouble not ripping her underwear off and entering her with abandon, but he remembered how he wanted to make it good for her, how he wanted to spoil her for everyone else, so he focused. He saw she was closing her legs by reflex, needing some friction at her core, and he would not deny her pushing things forward, so he firmly lowered both her bra straps, setting her breasts free.

She gasped at the abrupt progress and grabbed his hair. He looked at her hungrily and let out a moan while grinding his erection against her leg. He felt so hard, she wanted to see him fully, to indulge on how overwhelming he was, because he was, he had his boxers on but she knew he had not lied to her. Her brain shut though because he started licking and sucking her breasts, and it felt so good she wanted him to bite them, and as if he had read her mind, he did, and she squeezed her insides and swore she could have come like that, but then she didn't need to think anymore, because she felt his hand traveling down and settling on top of her panties, cradling her mound.

He could not believe that he was letting go of Rory's breasts, he would need to come back at some stage and lick them and pinch them more, but he felt her squishing and knew he needed to bring his attention to her center. He placed his hand over her panties, grabbing her whole mound. He first pressed her like that, so it would be her own flesh rubbing against her nerves. He kept his hand closed and started rubbing with slow circular motions, and he knew he was onto something good because she was exploding into a thousand different reactions – her legs were jerky, she shut her eyes with the hottest face he had ever seen, her left hand went softly to her mouth as if she wanted to suppress a moan but had forgotten why it got there, and her right hand caressed herself all the way up to her breast and grabbed it, as if missing his last touch. He couldn't take it, he couldn't take such a pretty bundle of feedback and not want to be everywhere at the same time, biting those raspberry lips, swollen by the pumping of her own blood, licking that stray hand so it would forget to try to stifle her moans. But he couldn't stop, he was irrevocably connected to her center, so he got on his knees without breaking the connection and grabbed the breast that was not receiving any attention. Her eyes opened at the touch and looked at him, as if pleading for more. She got rid of her bra and he grabbed her breast harder, and then pinched her nipple softly. She started whispering his name incoherently – and he hadn't even gotten into her panties yet. He took the plunge and stopped his rubbing motion to take the panties off slowly. Fuck, there was Rory naked. He felt joy, it was like an exquisite, delicate machine laid off in front of him, and he wanted to figure out all the quirks and buttons. He settled for rubbing her nub softly first while he figured out what to do next, but the pull was too strong and he couldn't resist putting a finger inside her. She cried and clutched around him, and he softly moved his finger while his thumb caressed her nub. She was so wet it was sinful.

She needed to stop him, she didn't want to come yet. She wanted him inside her, not focusing on her but letting himself go. She didn't give a damn about coming, which she would do soon, or about how long it took, she just wanted them joined, to feel his weight, to hear him panting close to her ear. She wanted  _him_  to come. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him to her.

"Stop… it's too good."

He looked confused but then he seemed to understand, he had to – after all, they both wanted the same from each other. He brought himself up and started taking his underwear off, but she stopped him and pushed him softly on the bed to lie on his back. He looked worried.

"I'm too far gone, Ror."

She nodded, breathing raggedly. "OK. I'll just take them off, I swear."

He watched her toy delicately with the waistband of his boxers, and then caress him softly over the fabric. He twitched, and he prayed she didn't tease him anymore. She finally took them off, slowly. She seemed enthralled by him, but somehow afraid to touch him. At last she run a finger across his length and he couldn't take it anymore. His voice came out low and husky.

"Come here."

She did, laying beside him. He turned so they were both on their sides, face to face. Their bodies weren't touching except for his throbbing erection. He caressed her face.

"Can I hurt it?"

She shook her head.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, softly. "I need you, Jess."

He also needed her. He hovered over her and placed himself between her legs. He kept his weight on his forearm and sank to kiss her, brushing her center with the motion, causing both to moan. He caressed her face. He wanted to tell her what it meant to him to be there, but somehow words didn't belong in that moment. She moved her hips upwards, as if asking him in. He lowered his gaze and positioned himself at her entrance. He looked back at her, and only when he saw her looking into his eyes he entered her with a slow thrust.

* * *

He took it slow, at first. He wanted to feel her all around him, to caress her body, to kiss her, to look into her eyes. She was so wet and warm that it was killing him, he couldn't get enough, and he reveled in each moment. But then she started making it hard for him to be slow and gentle – she was grabbing his hips strongly, whimpering, moving her legs up so he could go deeper, her body asking for more. It was madness.

She wanted him to let go, to possess her, to abandon himself, to stop restraining everything. He caught up eventually and started plunging deeper, and she started crying – it was too much to take, it was all too powerful, and his name came out incoherent between short breaths. He didn't stop. He didn't stop thrusting, harder and harder each time.

He felt her starting to clench around him and he thought he couldn't take it, so he pressed on, he was getting there too. It was beautiful. The air stilled and she quit moaning, barely panting, her limbs twitching, as if her core was sucking all her strength. But he wanted her to have more, so he brought a hand between them and started rubbing her nerves while entering her with the same strength.

It was an attack on all her senses. She was coming already when she felt him rub her, and at first it seemed a crazy thing to do, he was mad to attempt that, to be so ambitious. She thought she couldn't take it, she couldn't take that much. She cried and clutch his shoulders, but he didn't stop, he only plunged deeper. He started groaning in her ear, and she knew he was finally letting go, so she let herself go too. She took the plunge and accepted everything – the depth of her feelings, his unrestrained desire, his strength, his boldness, his beauty – and got a twofold release.

She arched her back underneath him and moaned long and loudly, and only then he came warm and hard inside her.


	22. Intimacy

He didn't pull out. He didn't have to, and so they were able to stay connected, limbs entwined, just looking at each other, until the waves of ecstasy receded. Jess slowly started to notice the world around themselves – the warm light, the distant sound of a car passing by, the temperature of the room. He extended his arm to grab the throw and Rory sighed, as if afraid of loosing contact so soon. But he didn't plan to, and just covered them as well as he could so he didn't have to. Rory smiled shyly when he was back looking at her. He smiled back, and she caressed his face. He closed his eyes, enjoying her loving touch. He couldn't believe he was there, still inside Rory, her warmth so close, her sweet smell all around him, and that he would be able to hold her all night, to wake up by her side, to bring her back to life with kisses, to make love to her again, and then some more. He wanted to make sure. He opened his eyes. She was still looking at him.

"I thought I lost you there."

He shook his head. He wanted to ask her a thousand things but was afraid of speaking. "So, today is our day, huh?"

She laughed. "Already thinking about that?"

He nodded. He liked what her laughing felt like with her body all around him.

"You're such a stud."

He laughed and kissed her. "Go on, confess it – you love it."

She blushed and looked at him intently. "Yeah, I love it." He smiled back. "But I can't feel my limbs anymore. I'm afraid I lost them."

He run his hands softly over her thighs. She sighed. "Nah, I think you're alright. But I'm a bit concerned. What do we do now?"

She seemed worried. "What do you mean?"

"I don't want to pull out but I want to bring you a glass of water." He saw relief on her face. "Like, do we stay like this forever now? Is it not going to make it weird at work?"

She laughed again while caressing his arm. "I guess we could telework."

"And how would we skype?"

"Awkwardly. But seriously, I don't need anything right now. This is perfect."

He stroked her face. "Yeah."

"So… was it perfect for you too?"

She was insane. "Where you there at all? Are you serious?"

"Well, yeah! I mean, I was, but we said a lot earlier and there was such a build-up… I feel really vulnerable right now."

"You know what the problem is, Ror? That whichever way I put it – and it hurts saying this, because I'm a writer – is going to dampen what just happened and I really don't want to."

She smiled. "Thanks. That was perfect."

"So?"

"So, what?"

"So, I have a heart, too! Say something, woman!"

She laughed and he stroked her back. "I cannot surpass what you said! Trying is a huge burden!" He feigned hurt. "You're an idiot. You know how it was but you just want me to be embarrassed saying it so I blush."

"Well… yeah. You get so pretty. Still, it would be nice. "

She smiled and kissed him. "Alright. You've ruined me for the world. There. Happy?"

He grinned. He had never felt happier. "Very."

"So, on the count of three?"

He nodded and she started the countdown. "Wait!" She seemed confused. He kissed her hard, catching her unawares and using the distraction to pull out. He broke the kiss and looked at her. "Better?"

She kissed him back, pressing all her body against his. "Thanks." Her stomach rumbled.

"OK, so… food?"

"What time is it?"

"Who cares?" He looked over her shoulder anyway and checked his alarm clock. "8:00. Great."

"Great, how?"

"So I can hunt for you and then bring you back here before you doze off. So, in or out?"

"Huh… in! We could order something."

"Or I could cook. I went shopping this morning."

"Yay! I'd love to see you cook!"

He knew that her interest was genuine but teased her all the same. "Hey, have some confidence there!"

"No, I mean it, I would really like it, perhaps I could even learn. I've been thinking about it. My wallet would be happy."

"OK. Do you want a shower first? Can I join you? Did you bring you duck PJs? Can you please wear them?"

"Yes, no, no and definitely not. I brought very serious PJs."

"Do you want one of my t-shirts? I'm scared of serious PJs, I worry they will want me to fill tax returns in the morning." He just wanted her to get comfy in some of his clothes so she would leave her smell on them.

"Yeah! What can you offer?"

He sat up and put his boxers on, and then went to his wardrobe. "Very old Metallica T-shirt from days past. It's nice and over washed, so soft." He threw it at her. She took it and smelled it deeply. He loved that. "I'm a bit embarrassed to say this, but if smell is what you are after, I could lend you the jewel of the crown."

She feigned disgust, but seemed excited. "Ugh!"

"You'll be the judge of that." He grabbed a fine dark green robe from a hanger. "It's my writing robe. I wear it on Sundays when I lazy around and, well, write. It makes me feel really literary and manly."

"Meaning you don't wash it often."

He laughed. "Not so much as t-shirts, no, for some obscure reason. I'm starting to feel really embarrassed about it."

She moved forward, stretching out her hand enthusiastically. She was holding the throw to cover her breasts with her spare hand. "Give it to me! I want to assess."

He threw it to her and she dropped the throw to sink her head in it, inhaling deeply. He caught a brief glimpse of her breasts before his bundled robe covered them again. "Yes, this! Oh, it smells so good." She went at it again. "What a beauty. It's very manly."

He jumped on the bed, making a gesture to take it back from her, but she pushed him away. It was all a false pretense to get closer to her naked body. "Hey, I want it back! I don't know why I lent it to you, it's making you all weird! Give it back, Gollum!"

She turned to protect it with her body while smelling it. The throw, that had been covering her from her waist down, wasn't long enough to screen her when she turned, revealing her bare ass. She didn't have time to notice, Jess was already behind her, his whole body pressing against hers.

"That's so sexy. Are you really hungry?" He grabbed her ass and ground against it. He could not believe it, but he was getting hard again.

She sighed. "I don't know anymore."

He grabbed her breasts with both hands from behind and kissed her neck. She pressed her ass against him. He whispered in her ear, "I really like the way you smell, too."

She moaned and put her hand on top of his, as if urging him to press on, and he grabbed her breast harder. She turned her face and kissed him. His tongue went deep into her mouth. Both started grinding against each other firmly. He was really turned on by being in contact with a new part of her body and felt bold. He pushed her softly so she lied on her belly, and started caressing her back from the neck up to her thighs. He could tell she was really turned on as well, uttering incoherent sounds while squeezing her legs tight. He caressed her ass softly and then grabbed one cheek, massaging it. She started whimpering and that made him wild. He took his boxers off and put a finger inside her. She was so warm and wet, he couldn't believe he was that hard again.

"You make me so wild, Ror." She turned her head and looked at him. She was flushed, shaken with desire. Foreplay be damned. He straddled her and entered her while she never stopped looking at him, opening her mouth in a silent moan, and she was so smooth that he thought he would lose it. He started pushing softly, caressing the low of her back. She grabbed the cover of the bed and lifted her hips just so he could push harder. He grabbed her hips and thrusted more purposefully, and both cried. Soon after Rory crossed her legs behind him and his brain shut. She felt so amazing he was not going to last. He slowed down.

"Is something wrong?"

He panted. "You felt too good. I couldn't take it. I was going to explode. I'll be fine in a sec."

"That's the whole point, you idiot!" She wiggled out and sat on her knees in front of him. "Will you stop?"

He was confused. "What's wrong?"

She punched his arm. She was so sexy when she was mad at him. And naked on top of that. She used to repress all her annoyance, and he was glad she wasn't doing that anymore. "I want you to come, too, you know? Like I was so happy there because you let go and it felt amazing and it was pure you, unrestrained. I was loving it. I couldn't care less about myself."

He smiled. "Really?"

She still seemed annoyed. "Yeah!"

"But it's tough to do that! It's really hardwired, you know? I've been keeping control for years with you, I can't just revert to full ape."

"Oh, is that it?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, we'll need to start with small steps, then."

She pushed him down on the bed.

"What are you doing?"

She pointed a finger at him. He had never been so turned on. "You're not in charge tonight, I am, and I'll decide who comes first."

He let out a groan and she mellowed. She stood by his side, on her knees, and started caressing his chest and arms. She traced the line of hair until his erection, and then took it lightly with her small hand. It was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. He grabbed her breast and watched her move her hand up and down, slowly.

"Tell me… tell me how you like it." She had been so self-assured a minute ago that it was really endearing that she had reverted back to shy Rory. He recognized what was going on, it was the same for him – she also wanted to be the best for him. And she was, he couldn't string two words together, so he just let his head back and shut his eyes. She heard her concede. "Good".

She started stroking with more pressure, but kept a deliciously slow rhythm. That was Rory Gilmore masturbating him, and she was doing a great job at it. He suddenly felt a change, though, and opened his eyes to check what was going on. She was about to put his hardness in her mouth. She saw him look and warned him, "I'm not stopping till the end."

He nodded – he could barely manage anything else. And since she wasn't going to stop, he looked at her. He saw her close her eyes when she put him in her mouth. He saw her lick him while she stroke him, and moan as if she was taking as much pleasure as he was. He tried to stifle an involuntary hip thrust but only half managed. She didn't pull back, though, she actually sucked him harder and whimpered. He caressed her hair, mesmerized, and she looked up at him, his erection still in her mouth, and took him deeper, never backing off when his tip pressed the depth of her throat. He couldn't repress a hip thrust, then, and she moaned harder. He grabbed her shoulder, warning her, but she just took him deeper. He considered holding back, and for a split second he thought about getting out of her mouth. It was hard for him, it was hard to let go after so many years doing the exact opposite, and it scared him to not have to. But then she looked at him again and it was a loving, welcoming look she gave him, and so he came, collapsing on the bed. Soon Rory was by his side, holding him close, nuzzling his neck. He was suddenly afraid of their month coming to an end and embraced her strongly, searching her face for a kiss. She kissed him back chastely, with her mouth closed, but he grabbed the back of her neck and she gave in, opening her mouth to his. He roamed her body with his free hand, grabbing her hip. She squirmed under his touch and he smiled, placing his hand between her legs.

"OK, you win – you'll come last."


End file.
